Only even numbers of fruit and vegetables are healthy, experts declare

NUTRITIONISTS have claimed eating two, four, six, or eight portions of fruit and vegetables every day is healthy, but eating one, three, five, or seven could be fatal.

The five-a-day guideline, promoted for years, has now been abandoned for dangerously imbalancing the body and shortening life by as much as a decade.

Nutritionist Helen Archer said: “The human body is symmetrical with two hands, two eyes, two lungs and so on, so everything must be eaten in pairs.

“If you eat a banana it opens up two ‘health slots’ but if the next thing you eat is a pie then it goes in a ‘health slot’ and begins corrupting your ‘health cores’, which is really bad.

“So while two portions of carrots are great, three will kill you. With a portion being probably like two or so carrots, depending on how big they are.

“Follow this advice rigorously until we decide it’s wrong and change it. Or you’ll die.”

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Who needs Bowie when we have Ed Sheeran? asks younger generation

TEENAGERS have declared themselves privileged to live in the golden age of music represented by flame-haired genius Ed Sheeran.

Fans aged 14 to 20 have admitted they pity older generations forced to make do with Bowie, Prince and Michael Jackson while waiting for a true talent like Sheeran to arrive.

19-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Bowie was all clothes and looks, wasn’t he? Just another manufactured pop star.

“Whereas with Ed it’s totally authentic from the West Yorkshire streets. He’s the next best thing to an actual genuine city-centre busker.

“He’s such an incredible songwriter he even gives some away to other people to have hits with. I’d like to see your precious Prince do that.”

Friend Tom Logan agreed: “I don’t blame them for being into Bowie. When you look at the dross that was around at the time, like Led Zeppelin or The Clash, he must have seemed incredible.

“But it’s time to throw that old crap out and appreciate the fact that you’re living at the same time as the greatest musicial artist in history. And just enjoy it.”