PE teacher fully aware it's not real teaching

A PE TEACHER has confirmed he is fully cognisant of the fact that being paid to make kids run around a field is a piss-easy gig. 

Tom Logan, who works at Bayview High School in Sunderland, knows that instructing children to haphazardly fling javelins around is a lot less stressful than the jobs of other teachers, which is why he likes it.

Logan said: “All I do is stand about in a tracksuit and I get paid the exact same as Ms Hewitt who has to force a crowd of hormonal, idiotic teens to understand geometry.

“At no point will any of these students ever need the skills I teach them. When they’re interviewing for a job in a marketing agency or a juice bar, I can guarantee you that they will not be asked to do star jumps or get a rounder.

“And it’s not like any of them are going to end up in the Olympics. Let me tell you the number of professional athletes who’ve passed through these doors: one.

“And that was Sally Gunnell coming in to give a talk on littering in 1997.”

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Your sex problems solved, by a man who hasn't had a shag for years

PROBLEMS in the bedroom? Write in for advice from involuntary celibate Tom Logan who’s in a far worse situation than you.

Dear Tom,
I find it difficult to bring my girlfriend to orgasm. She says it doesn’t matter, but she’s clearly frustrated.
Pete, London

Tom replies:
You think that’s frustration? It’s four years since I had sex. Count yourself lucky you’re not seriously considering grab-a-granny night or starting to fancy your cat.

Dear Tom,
My boyfriend watches a lot of internet porn and I’m sure it’s affecting his sex drive. What should I do?
Lucy, Nantwich

Tom replies:
Dunno. Can he send me some links? I’ve spent so long wanking I’ve seen every video on Pornhub. Even the weird CGI ones of elves with freakishly large tits.

Dear Tom,
I love my girlfriend deeply, but I’ve always been attracted to certain men and I worry I might be gay.
Steve, Leicester

Tom replies:
Cry me a f**king river. Apparently gay blokes have pick-up bars where anyone can get laid. I’m getting so desperate I might try it. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?

Dear Tom,
My boyfriend can’t become aroused without fetish costumes and spanking. How do I tell him I’m not comfortable with it?
Lianne, Glasgow

Tom replies: 
Try to keep things in perspective, Lianne. These days I’d have sex with someone dressed as Blakey from On the Buses with a broom handle up my arse if it meant getting my leg over.

Dear Tom,
I’m highly sexed but my girlfriend is only interested in the missionary position once a month. Should I find someone more compatible?
Carl, Ipswich

Tom replies:
Hark at you with your red-hot monthly sex with an actual woman. Stop moaning and be glad you’ve never abased yourself with a permanently surprised sex doll.