Plan to get ripped for summer put off until August

A MAN’S plans to get himself a beach-ready six-pack in time for summer have been postponed until August at the absolute latest. 

Joe Turner, aged 28, still believes he will have a toned torso for summer despite the fact it is already, technically, summer.

Girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “Joe’s planning a soft launch for his body improvement plans in July, which means he’ll leaf through a copy of Men’s Health while trying to remember if he’s already in a gym.

“He claims that his body responds really well to exercise and ‘the core strength is still there’ from a few years ago, but I think his body’s been responding a bit too well to crisps and lager.”

Turner said: “I can’t wait to be absolutely shredded on the beach and have all that body confidence inspiring everyone around me.

“Though it doesn’t look like it’ll clear up this year, so by summer I mean those warm weeks we get in early May meaning realistically I can relax until at least February 2020.”

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Britain not drunk enough to accept Boris Johnson will be next prime minister

THE UK has demanded that confirmation that Boris Johnson will be prime minister be delayed to around 1.30am on Saturday. 

With the final two candidates to be decided later today, Britons have requested that the news be held until at the very least 11pm tonight so they can numb it with alcohol.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Boris Johnson. Prime minister. I can’t handle that sober.

“Yeah, he’s got to beat Hunt or Gove. But let’s face it, if you find yourself placing any hope or faith in those clueless w*nkers it’s already too late.

“I’m going to begin with beer to quell the dread in my stomach, move on to whisky to head off the terrible despair, then finally blot it all out completely with tequila.

“Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning having accepted the fact that he’s going to be the leader of the country without having to suffer all of the debilitating effects that come with that realisation. It’s the responsible thing to do.”

Dr Francesca Ryan of the General Medical Council said: “We’re rescinding all warnings about minimum units. And daytime drinking. And drinking at work.”