Worst person you know sharing inspirational quotes again

THE worst person you have ever met is once again posting images with inspirational quotes over them on your social media feed. 

The person, who is lazy, ignorant and hateful to others, has already today posted calls to work hard to achieve your dreams, never stop learning and to open your heart to show how much love is there.

Mutual friend Susan Traherne said: “When you’ve just come off a blazing row with someone about homelessness being all homeless people’s fault, it really rankles to check your phone and see them quoting Buddha.

“Also I don’t think ‘You know when you’re in love because your reality is finally better than your dreams’ sounds like the kind of thing Einstein would say. Prove me wrong.

“The thing is, when they’re not sharing the importance of a positive mindset they’re a spiteful, bigoted gossip, openly hateful about anyone briefly out of earshot. Really we should be posting the quotes to them.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “There is a direct link between posting ‘Make your life your masterpiece’ over a black-and-white image of a mountain and being a tw*t.

“Maybe following advice like that makes you a tw*t? I don’t know. I just scroll past it.”

Visit to independent record shop instantly regretted

A MAN’S attempt to use a proudly independent record shop and cafe near his home was regretted within moments, he has confirmed. 

Nathan Muir of Bournemouth thought he was popping into Kill Yr Vinyl for a casual browse, but left after 40 minutes of relentless conversation clutching an unwanted Chemical Brothers 12-inch.

He said: “The guy was on me the second I was in, asking me if I wanted a coffee or was there to dig the crates. There was nobody else there. I had no option but to engage.

“Within minutes I’m balls-deep in a discussion about Steve Albini, the DIY cassette scene, and something called the Penguin Cafe Orchestra he may have just thrown in to trip me up. If so it worked.

“By now I felt as if I was paying to be his friend, and a chance mention of a Chemical Brothers EP I’d once heard had him going through the racks like I’d charged him with a sacred quest.

“He held it up triumphantly, rhapsodised about how you wouldn’t get this service from a chain and how much he’d sacrificed to provide this to the people, then took it to the till and charged me £12 for it.

“Go in again? I’m not even going down that f*cking street again.”