Sitting Causes Arse Cancer, Say Docs

SITTING down dramatically increases the risk of arse cancer and should be regulated under strict new laws, doctors decided last night. 

The British Medical Association is calling for legislation to ensure people remain on their feet at all times, even when asleep, unless they want to suffer a grisly and painful death.

Meanwhile drinking one glass of beer or wine per year raises the likelihood of death to "well over 100 per cent", while the consumption of a single grain of rice a day will cause a massive, fatal stroke.

However, there is some good news as research, published in the Lancet, shows that smiling leads to lip cancer.

Dr Wayne Hayes, head of health policy at the BMA, said: "Lip cancer is one of the biggest killers of people over 60. That's why we encourage old people to remain thin-lipped and grumpy if they want to live to a decent age."

According to new BMA guidelines people must position themselves on a treadmill and run gently on the spot at all times, or they will be regarded as having recklessly endangered their own health and be barred from medical treatment.

Their mouths should remain closed and turned down while a cocktail of synthetic nutrients is pumped directly into their stomach via a sterilised tube.

Dr Hayes added: "It may sound like a science fiction nightmare, but this will help thousands of people squeeze in another couple of years filled with dementia and incontinence."

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Biblical Toys To Include Gay Action Figure And A Bag Of Small Stones

THE makers of the faith-based toys taking America by storm are to produce a gay action figure that children can 'stone to death' in accordance with scripture.

Parents across the US are spending hundreds of dollars on toys depicting Moses, Goliath, Noah and even the Whore of Babylon.

Now the manufacturers want to combine playtime with biblical morality lessons by marketing a small, plastic gay man that can be stoned to death safely on the kitchen floor.

A spokesman for the Association for Christian Retail, said: "These toys are not just about having fun, they can also be used to tell children about the warmth of God's love.

"Children can pose the action-figure Moses in so many ways. As long as they don't pose him masturbating or fellating a burly Egyptian soldier, that's okay with us."

He added: "After much prayer we decided to restrict the sale of the Jesus on the Cross action figure to the over fives.

"God would not allow a toddler to choke to death on the tiny plastic nails used to crucify Our Saviour."

A spokesman for Wal-Mart, American's biggest toy retailer, said: "The Noah's Ark toy is proving very popular, though some children have asked why it's not big enough to accommodate their plastic dinosaurs.

"The action figures are a little expensive, but parents looking for a religious playtime experience on a low budget could always just buy an ant farm and a miniature blow-torch."