Six ways to patronise people giving up smoking

ARE you an interfering sod who’s never seriously smoked who nonetheless offers advice to anyone trying to give up? Try these words of wisdom: 

‘My advice is don’t start in the first place’

Unless proffered along with a workable time machine, this is in fact not advice but congratulating yourself for not doing something ages ago. What next, bigging yourself up for not doing Geography A-level?

‘Someone I know gave up just like that’

Mention a smoker who gave up completely with no gum, patches or relapses. It’s even better if the anecdote isn’t actually verified in any way.

‘You’ll put on weight’

Remind the ex-smoker about the negative health consequences of their decision, ideally just after a rundown of the health risks of smoking. Also remind them their nasal hair will go out of control.

‘Vaping could be dangerous’

Subtly push fact-free claims that vaping is fatal. If challenged, say ‘the science isn’t in’ and talk ominously about ‘chemicals’. Never admit that you don’t like it because it looks common.

‘Think how much you’ll save’

With fags costing £9 each these days, smokers may already have the teeniest inkling it’s expensive. And it’s weird to encourage someone by saying ‘Not only will you not die, you can afford a new PlayStation.’

‘Mmm… I’d still ask your doctor for some tests’

There’s nothing more effective than telling someone they’ve probably got cancer to stop them reaching for a stress-relieving fag.

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Man off sick considering a wank

A MAN who is ill in bed and feeling miserable is wondering whether a wank might help.

Tom Booker, who has called in sick with a pouring nose, agonising sore throat, chills and shivers, is considering having a quick one off the wrist and then another Lemsip.

He said: “Uurgh. I feel like death. But I am lying here in bed with nobody about and the iPad handy and the tissues just there.

“It’s purely for medicinal purposes. Reinvigorating. It’s not like I’m going to enjoy it when I feel this rough.

“Might not even bother with porn. Just remembering better times, when I was capable of strenuous physical love without coughing up mucus, will get me there.

“I don’t feel I have a choice really. I owe it to my family and my employers to try everything I can to beat this thing.”