SMOKERS who who quit the habit will be rewarded with ice lollies, extra cartoons and may even be allowed to stay up after 9pm.
The NHS is to roll out a new system of incentives to run alongside its existing strategy of a ban on cartoons, no ice lollies and, if necessary, a smacked bottom.
A department of health spokesman said: "Smoking is a very bad thing. It gives you nasties in your tummy and makes you all sad.
"If you're very good and you stop smoking for a week, you can have either a Mini Milk, a Twister or a Feast.
"If you're very, very good and you stop smoking for a month, you can watch Animaniacs when you come home from work.
"And if you're very, very, very good and you stop smoking for six months we'll let you stay up after nine o'clock and watch the lesbian episodes of Sex and the City."
The NHS believes the two-pronged strategy of punishment and reward will produce calm, obedient citizens who will share their toys and make friends easily.
Bill McKay, a 42 year-old smoker from Dorset, said he supported the new scheme, adding: "I want a bike! I want a bike! I want a bike!"