Global Catastrophe Warnings Reach Monthly Quota

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

The monthly total now stands at 240 meaning scientists, politicians, clergyman and the Daily Mail will have to apply for an extension or face a reduction in the April quota of terrifyingly apocalyptic, certain death scenarios.

It is the first real test for the quota system, established last year so that frightened citizens do not lose track of what is going to kill them by 2030.

The latest warning comes from UK government science adviser Professor John Beddington in a new research paper entitled Dragons!.

Professor Beddington said last night: "Attention, everyone. Stop what you're doing immediately and listen to me.

"Dragons! Dragons, I tell you! The sky shall be filled with them and they shall devour our crops, befoul our cattle and drink dry our lakes and ponds.

"They will hover above your house and just when you think they've gone, you'll open the curtains and there will be this great big eye staring back at you. Then the dragon will rip the roof off your house and eat you like a Creme Egg and all because you didn't listen."

Professor Beddington is calling for a multi-billion pound anti-dragon gun to be paid for by increased taxes on Range Rovers and patio heaters.

Julian Cook, a doomed 44 year-old from south London, said: "Based on this month's warnings if I don't spend money then civilisation will collapse resulting in my certain death.  But if I do spend money then the environment will collapse – whatever that means – resulting in my certain death.

"And now there's all this stuff about dragons. Fuck it, I'm getting a patio heater."

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Put A Bible Over Your Penis, Says Pope

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

Speaking before his tour of Africa, the Pontiff said Aids could only be tackled by the 'traditional teaching of the church' and not a latex rubber sheath that contains infected semen and prevents it from transferring the virus to another human being.

Experts said that either the Pope is suggesting the bible is used like a condom, or he doesn't know what a condom is.

Dr Emma Bradford, of Reading University, said: "I guess you would have to rip out a few pages of Leviticus and then somehow fashion them into a condom-like device using lots and lots of masking tape.

"Or you could shred the pages, soak them in water and construct something that looks a bit like a paper maché cigar tube."

Dr Bradford added: "It has to be one of those two because suggesting that the African Aids epidemic can be contained simply by reading the bible would be criminally insane."

Since his inauguration in 2005 the Pope has continued the Church's strong opposition to condoms by calling for abstinence, supervised heavy petting and whacking it repeatedly with a wooden spoon until it goes all soft again.

Meanwhile the Vatican has issued this year's list of approved non-penetrative carnal techniques including pearl necklaces, light genital branding and something called 'Dutch steamboating'.