Stafford Hospital Still Better Than Homeopathy

AN NHS hospital which used untrained receptionists to treat patients still performed better than homeopathy, research shows.

Stafford Hospital pioneered the introduction of a doctor-free health system by filling all its senior surgical and medical positions with bean bags, the semi-literate children of Bulgarian immigrants and enthusiastic local dogs.

One of its main innovations was a drive-in morgue which allowed ambulances to deposit live patients directly into the mortuary, sometimes days earlier than would have been the case had they just been left to die in a corridor in line with NHS targets.

However, a report by the Healthcare Commission found that a handful of Stafford patients did recover, either by throwing themselves out of the ambulance before arrival or by using knotted sheets to escape at night.

But the Commission also stressed that all the treatment options offered by the Mid Staffordshire NHS Trust guaranteed a better chance of recovery than rubbing a bag of pot pourri into the top of your head.

A spokesman added: "The untrained dog of an untrained receptionist can still spot who has the required amount of limbs and then at least try to staunch the bleeding.

"Meanwhile a cleaner with a bucket of Domestos can disinfect a wound and then use a J-cloth as a bandage to lower the risk of secondary infection.

"However, a homeopath, when faced with the same situation will apply a thin paste of calendula to the bleeding stump and then blame the patient for having bad chakras when he goes into a coma and dies or is subsequently devoured by a flesh eating virus.

The spokesman added: "Prince Charles really is full of shit, you know."


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Brown Apologises For Not Being Even More Intelligent

GORDON Brown today apologised for not being even more intelligent than he so obviously is.

The prime minister said that while he had been amazingly clever and much cleverer than anyone else, he could have prevented the financial crisis by being even cleverer than that.

Mr Brown told the Guardian: "I'm so clever I know what you're going to say even before you say it. I'm so clever I can read two books at the same time. The one in the toilet and the one next to my bed.

"But if only I had been clever enough to realise that capitalism involves some risk and that maybe something could be done to minimise that risk such as rules that stopped banks from lending money to people who couldn't afford to pay it back.

"But that would have taken a super-human degree of intelligence. Not even ET or one of those big, scary computers that can play chess could have worked that one out."

The prime minister also said the era of laissez faire capitalism was over but insisted it would not be replaced by so-called 'big government', adding: "I don't know what we'll actually call it. Maybe 'fat government', or 'chunky government'.

"My personal favourite is 'so-powerful-you-won't-be-able-to-go-for-a-piss-without-my-permission government."

Mr Brown's critics are now expected to spend the next two weeks debating whether an apology for not being even cleverer amounts to an actual apology.

Psychologist Dr Tom Logan, said: "I'm afraid this is closest you're going to get to an apology from someone who is now clearly in need of immediate hospitalisation."