Match Of The Day Goes To Its Dark Place

MATCH of the Day has gone to its dark place and has urged viewers not to follow.

The BBC said the football highlights show is no longer suitable for women, children and anyone who does not have profound and disturbing psychological problems.

The show will now be screened at 4am on Monday mornings and viewers will be warned that it includes strong language and sordid mental imagery ‘right from the start’.

Corporation executives stepped in after pundit Alan Pardew said a heavy tackle during Sunday’s game between Manchester City and Chelsea was ‘like a donkey mounting a Dutch porn star’.

A spokesman said: “The BBC has to tread a fine line between taste and decency and fulfilling its statutory obligation to produce football punditry that trawls the most appalling depths of the human psyche.”

The spokesman also explained why there had been no on-air apology at the time, adding: “Alan was misheard. It was thought he used the word ‘monkey’.”

In recent weeks Pardew has compared a penalty box incident during a third round FA cup tie to ‘a Saturday night spit-roast at a West Midlands Travelodge’ and claimed that the Everton back four ‘would not look out of place in the shower room at a Turkish prison’.

And last month the BBC received more than 30 complaints after he suggested that Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo ‘could do with being tied buck-naked to a four-poster bed while a female St Bernard takes a massive dump on his chest’.



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North Korean Pizza Toppings To Include Cardboard And Old Teeth

NORTH Korea is to open a national chain of pizza restauarants offering a range of delicious toppings including cardboard, rusty paper clips and old men's teeth.

Each restaurant will feature a wood-fired oven imported from Naples and pizza bases made from ground-up dog bones, toilet water and the axle grease from a disused Russian tank.

Other toppings include shoe parts and fried rat nipples, as well as Jong Suk, a North Korean delicacy for which there is no direct translation although the nearest English equivalent is 'unspecified toe'.

Pak Sang-Sum, manager of People's Restaurant No. 1374 , said: "Our dear leader Kim Jong-Il believes the masses should be able to enjoy the finest foods the world has to offer while at the same time supporting Korea's state-of-the-art cardboard industry.

"To this end we have set a five year target for the consumption of cardboard and stationery products under the watchful guidance of the Committee for the National Pizza Plan.

"All will eat pizza and all will enjoy it. And on May Day the masses will gather in the People's Stadium and hold up thousands of coloured pieces of cardboard to form giant pictures of the nation's favourite varieties of cardboard pizza."

Mr Pak said the cardboard pizzas would be delivered in a thin, square box made of dough, mozarella cheese, tomato paste and a smattering of thinly sliced Italian sausage.

He added: "If your pizza is not delivered within a decade of your order being approved by the chairman of your Regional Committee for the National Pizza Plan, you will get it for free. Or you'll be shot in the back of the head."