THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.
As the department of health turned the panic knob back up to seven, GPs said there was a danger that runny tummies and spasmodic diaphragms could eventually be outnumbered if the RAF carpet-bombed all of Britain's major towns and cities with water balloons filled with swine flu round-the-clock, for a fortnight.
A spokesman for the British Medical Association said: "There are currently about three million cases of hiccups, some of them very nasty indeed.
"Meanwhile there are about four million cases of diarrhoea, all of them very nasty indeed.
"There is even a handful of people who have diarrhoea and hiccups, and that's one of the worst combinations you can get. Probably even worse than toothache and plague.
"But where is their leaflet? Where is their TV advert? Where is their desperate, pathetic front page of the Daily Mail?"
The BMA is proposing three large digital counters at Piccadilly Circus in the centre of London to display a running total of Britain's swine flu, diarrhoea and hiccup victims.
The spokesman added: "If at any point the swine flu total overtakes one of the other two you will either shit yourself or be so frightened it will cure your hiccups.
"As for all the swine flu, there's a good chance that I have contracted it and then recovered from it at some point between the beginning and the end of this sentence."