Switzerland doesn't give a shit what you think

COMPLAIN all you want, Switzerland doesn’t care, it emerged last night.

The super-rich, mountainous country confirmed its status as Europe’s coolest society by lighting a cigarette and blowing smoke directly into your pinched, judgemental face.

Switzerland said: “I speak four languages – as well as impeccable English. I have clean streets, low taxes and if I want I can have a smoke in a groovy bar.

“But hey, I’m just a country doing my thing.”

It added: “Meanwhile, there you are, all caught up in your petit bourgeois concerns about second hand smoke and making sure everyone behaves in the same straight-laced, button-down, nine-to-five way.

“I’d suggest we take a road trip together, see if we can’t open your eyes to that crazy, crazy world out there, but then what would your mummy say?

“You probably don’t even like Thelonius Monk.”

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Liberal Democrats announce coalition with Flat Earth Society

THE Liberal Democrats are to join forces with the Flat Earth Society after the two groups double-booked a function room in Brighton.

The Lib Dems had booked a pub skittle alley with eight rows of stackable chairs and a buffet table, with ample space to accommodate all those with a serious interest in the party’s future.

However, due to an administrative error the low capacity room was already occupied by the Flat Earth Society, which thinks that the planet is shaped like a massive coin.

The Flat Earthers chose the venue believing that, in the absence of a horizon, it would provide excellent views of France which lies just 73 miles off the south coast.

The globe-deniers then suggested forming a coalition to save everyone the hassle of finding another venue.

Nick Clegg initially said: “As a party of principle we would never align ourselves with a movement whose views we consider backward and hostile to our own progressive agenda.”

However, when word came back that all Brighton B&Bs were full, and the only other option was sleeping on the beach all week in the rain, Clegg said, “In the interests of moving forward, we have decided to work together with the Flat Earth Society, for the good of the country.

“Much as it is possible to be both soft Liberal and hardline Conservative, so it is possible that the world can be both flat and round.

“Or just flat, if necessary.”

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