The alternative medicine practitioner's guide to coronavirus

DO you feel the coronavirus is better tackled with St John’s Wort than modern medicine? Here alternative health therapist Donna Sheridan gives her advice.

Take an alternative vaccine

By ‘vaccine’ I mean ‘the usual herbal remedies garbage’, such as a mixture of ginseng, sage and cider vinegar. Smear some on your wrist rather than injecting it, which will give you a blood clot and kill you instantly.

Stay safe with a crystal 

Alternative medicine scientists are far ahead of conventional ones and have invented a 100 per cent effective crystal that wards off coronavirus. These are available on my website, DonnaWiccanEarthPriestess.co.uk. They’re £44.95 to cover postage.

Blast the virus with a powerful homeopathic remedy

Find someone with coronavirus – maybe sneak into an intensive care unit – and stick a cotton wool bud up their nose. Put the infected item into a jar of water. Pour a drop of the water into a bucket of water, then put a drop of that into a bath of water. Repeat the last stage 500 times. You now have a super-powerful coronavirus killer.

Use fire cupping 

Create low air pressure in a jar by putting a flame inside and quickly slam it on someone’s back. Your clients will already believe this removes ‘bad energy’ so will not realise it is nonsense.

Consult tree fairies

Nature sprites, pagan deities and angels should be treated with reverence in case they exist. I asked my Native American spirit guide Lolloping Wolf about coronavirus, and with the classic wisdom of the spirit realm he said: “Buy lots of paracetamol.”

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Woman pre-annoyed about argument she'll have with her boyfriend later

A WOMAN is already furious about an argument she has not yet had with her boyfriend, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford, aged 25, has already prepared retorts for the argument she is planning to have with her boyfriend about the washing-up when she gets home from work.

She said: “I like to think of it as rage pre-drinks. But instead of a fun night out with the girls afterwards, I’ll be trying to get Steve to just please wash up after himself for once in his f**king life.

“I feel like if I get worked up about it now, there’ll be less preamble when he gets back and we can just get right to the yelling and recriminations. My counter-arguments are ready.

“I’m already so angry I just caught my reflection in the window at Greggs glaring at a sausage roll. Which I love, so if I can maintain my fury at them it’ll be no problem with him.

“He should know a fight is brewing because we share the same Spotify account and all I’ve been listening to on loop is Killing in the Name Of. So he’s got no excuse.”

Boyfriend Stephen Malley said: “Looking forward to seeing Emma later. I wonder what we’re having for dinner?”