Tuesday, 2nd June 2020

The lazy bastard's guide to exercising at home

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

Watch fitness videos

Burn calories vicariously by watching people show you how to tone up on YouTube. Not only can you do this ‘activity’ whilst sitting down, you can kid yourself that it’s preparation for a regimen you will never start.

Make a cup of tea

This simple exercise will stretch your legs slightly as you trudge from the sofa to the kitchen. You’ll spend a couple of minutes on your feet while the water boils and work at least two muscles whilst squeezing the teabag. Then it’s time to hit the couch again, chief. You’ve earned it.

Increase your wanking quota

You’re probably already doing it loads anyway, but it’s time to up your game. The average round of self-abuse burns roughly six calories, so bash one out half a dozen times a day to exercise away a single crisp.

Grab a snack

By now you’ve probably worked up quite an appetite, so refuel the engines by stuffing a snack into your face. Digesting food burns calories, after all. Don’t feel guilty if you need to leave your home for some more biscuits; just think of all the steps you’re racking up.

Go to sleep

Rest is just as important as exertion when it comes to staying fit and healthy, so make time to sleep excessively. If you aren’t tired have a few drinks to will yourself into unconsciousness. It’s a great way to fast forward time until this is all over.