How to reject online invites when everyone knows you're always at home

VIDEO conferencing means it’s easy to feel close to the ones you’re missing. But what about the ones you’re not missing, who are constantly inviting you to hang out online? Here are five fail-safe excuses to dodge them.

Wi-fi problems

There’s no chance of attending Jan’s virtual pub quiz when your router’s on the blink, is there? Absolutely gutted to miss your geography round, Jan, that sounds great.

Preparing for your online Spanish class

The lockdown is no excuse for letting your brain turn to mush. Duck out of the Zoom work night in arranged by your most annoying colleague by saying you have homework, even though your Spanish class is a lie and you’re actually watching repeats of Midsomer Murders.

Deep cleaning

Whilst your friends know you usually live in a total shit tip, they’ll believe that you’ve finally got round to giving the house a clean in the face of a global pandemic, even if all you’ve actually done is straighten a few cushions and chuck that three-year-old washing up brush away.

Cooking commitments

These are the days of batch cooking and that just-in-case jambalaya isn’t going to prepare itself. Keeping your family alive is your first priority, so sadly there can be no Housepartying with that old school acquaintance you hadn’t thought of in decades.


If you’re having to endure the company of children, the least they can do is give you a viable excuse for missing a night in the virtual pub with your brother-in-law. Invent tantrums, homework assignments and feeding requirements as needed.

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Queen to be put back on fixing trucks

THE QUEEN is to return to work as a truck mechanic as she did during the war, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

After her Majesty offered to do anything she could to help the battle against coronavirus, she has been ordered to get back in her wartime overalls and report to her old garage in Camberley, Surrey.

She said: “One admits one wasn’t expecting it, but it feels good to get one’s hands dirty again, know what one means?

“That one’s done, Gav. I’ve aligned the wheels. No, the Volvo not the Scania. The other way, you f**king muppet. Jesus. Sorry, can’t take one’s eye off that idiot Gav for a minute or he’ll balls something up.

“Like one was saying, the old skills never leave you. Vehicles have changed a bit but it’s still all about a pot of grease and a bloody big spanner at the end of the day.

“Is that Volvo driver giving you lip? Charge him for three new shocks and tell him to sling his hook. They haven’t been done, but the fat bastard had a picture of Meghan up in his cab.”