Five stupid reasons morons believe all this is happening

WE’RE all aware that COVID-19 is bad, but some morons believe it has appeared ‘for a reason’. Prepare yourself for an argument with these people by learning about their idiotic theories.

The earth is trying to reverse climate change

A global pandemic has given nations no option but to cancel flights, shut down industry and restrict traffic. Is Mother Earth giving all her children an almighty ticking off for their naughty behaviour, or are you an idiot? Definitely the latter.

Wall Street made it happen

The notion that traders have unleashed a deadly virus and created an international crisis to make money out of a stock market crash is beyond the realms of even the most committed conspiracy theorist. Unless you’re an idiot, of course, in which case you’ve already started a Facebook group devoted to it.

We needed a reminder about what’s really important

Is the coronavirus outbreak a cosmic warning that humanity needs to take a step back from the relentless march of progress and return to a simpler time? The long, miserable queue outside Sainsbury’s might make you think otherwise, unless you’re a moron.

Aliens beamed the virus down

If you avoid logic, reason and common sense, the idea that a new-to-humans virus has been put here by extraterrestrials in flying saucers is a sound argument. Is it an intergalactic bio-weapon or are you just stupid?

The Illuminati are up to their old tricks

If your knowledge comes from online message boards, you’ll know that Earth is run by an elite group who are using coronavirus to keep us at home so they can go about their shadowy business without scrutiny. Makes sense, if you’re of limited brain capacity.

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Kirstie Allsopp's guide to crafting your way through coronavirus

YES, I moved my virus-hit family to Devon, but I needed to be safe so I could annoy you with my creative and crafty tips. Here’s how to ensure your self-isolation is a jolly old time. 

Use the lockdown time to spruce up your second home

If you’re privileged enough to have one, of course. However, it’s important that your home is hygienic as well as gorgeous, so make sure any non-essential family members get there via public transport. If they show any symptoms, simply leave them on the train to Penzance.

Reupholster your patio furniture

So you can enjoy your outdoor space. If you catch the neighbours having a sociable barbecue, give them a good ticking off. Processed meat is both common and disgusting, so they should delay until they’ve got a better cut from a local butcher.

Cheer up your dinner table by crocheting some fancy doilies

Even if all you can afford to eat is baked beans, a doily adds a touch of class. I’m lucky to be able to eat better than that because I made a canny investment in a pair of lovely semis and a seaside bolthole 20 years ago. And also my family is f**king rich.

Get your kids making things in the garden

We enjoy crafting red pom-poms and throwing them about, pretending they’re corona spores. Try not to get them in your neighbour’s garden as they may catch the actual coronavirus if they touch them. Though on the upside, if they die they’ll leave a delightful pad for your Hampstead friends to buy.

Stay at home

Because Channel 4 are very close to signing me up for Kirstie’s Corona Craft Home and you must all watch me making darling little trinkets, such as upcycling Laura Ashley dresses into floral PPE.