Britons now calling it the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus'

THE UK is now referring to the coronavirus as the ‘f**king-corona-f**king-virus’, or will also accept ‘COVID-bastard-19’. 

The renaming came because citizens were tired of using medical terms to describe the virus causing the global pandemic and wanted something more suited to their feelings.

Wayne Hayes said: “Me and the lads were having some drinks on Zoom and decided we really need a better name for this thing. The ones we’re currently using just aren’t cutting it.

“After a long night of brainstorming we decided that instead of giving it a cool name it doesn’t deserve we’d just insert expletives into the twat’s current monikers to leave it in no doubt of our contempt.

“From now on, everyone has to call it the f**king-corona-f**king-virus, even in chats with elderly relatives. When on a business call, it will be exclusively referred to it as COVID-bastard-19. These are the new rules.”

Dr Helen Archer said: “Of course, as a frontline medic, we have to use the clinical name. Which is ‘that spiky little motherf**ker we are determined to kill’.”

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Boris Johnson leading the nation by f**king terrible example

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed. 

A spokesman said Boris Johnson is providing a valuable public service by demonstrating what happens when you ignore social distancing and act as if it is all a big joke that will not affect you personally.

He continued: “What Boris has done, by selflessly contracting the coronavirus and passing it on to the second most important minister in government right now, oh and the chief medical officer, is show that nobody is immune from this thing.

“And because he’s been so candid, he’s really taught the nation what to avoid, like shaking hands with coronavirus patients and then shaking hands with everyone else. Like a dick.

“Across the country total idiots, who are often among Boris’s strongest supporters, will hopefully think ‘Oh, perhaps I shouldn’t deliberately be an arsehole about this after all. Look what happened to Boris.'”

Nathan Muir of Stoke-on-Trent said: “If Boris is getting coronavirus, so am I. Because we’re both proper lads who don’t give a shit.”