BUGGER. This is terribly bad news for both me and the country, but mainly me. Here’s how I intend to send the coronavirus packing.
Avoiding contact with people
I’m already rather good at this, as I showed recently by not bothering to visit flood victims. Right now I’m isolating in my bedroom and keeping myself occupied with a good book. Not one of mine, obviously. They’re just shit I churn out for money.
Protecting my loved ones
I’m being careful not to pass on the virus to the people closest to me, so Dominic Cummings has been told to stay away for a bit. Maybe Carrie should as well. Dunno. However I don’t really care if wankers like Gove get it.
Fighting the virus with bluster
Mindless bluster without any substance has served me well all my career, so I see no reason why it shouldn’t work now. I’ve been standing in front of a mirror bellowing “LET’S GET THIS VIRUS DONE – IT’S WHAT THE BRITISH PEOPLE WANT”. It got me the job of prime minister, unbelievably.
Taking comfort in the classics
My shaky knowledge of classical literature and Latin is proving to be a great comfort during this challenging time. Like Herodotus smiting the minotaur on his Trojan horse, I intend to win this personal Battle of Thermopylae. Ipso facto. Quo Vadis. Ad nauseum. See how jolly clever I am?
Getting out of press conferences
On the upside I won’t have to do those daily press conferences that are such a balls-ache where nobody laughs at my jokes. I’ll get the work experience to do them instead. Rishi, you okay to do my press conferences?