Thursday, 29th October 2020

Next door neighbours become 80 per cent more irritating

YOUR next door neighbours have become more annoying now you are locked down next to them, experts have confirmed. 

The Institute for Studies said it had expected neighbours to get a bit on your nerves but could not have predicted how completely irritating they are.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research was based on categories including choice of music played and at what volume, cooking smells, pet sounds, random banging coming from the paper-thin wall adjacent to yours, and enthusiastic lovemaking.

“Many neighbours got the maximum score in all of these categories and more. We gave bonus points for blasting Chris Brown in the garden with little or no remorse. 

“And now of course they have the option of emotionally blackmailing you into clapping awkwardly for NHS staff.”

Neighbour Ellie Shaw said: “Actually we’re just being annoying in the hope of starting a long-running dispute with the neighbours to while away the hours while we’re stuck at home. 

“We don’t even have a dog. I’ve downloaded the sound of a terrier barking and put it on a constant loop on my laptop speakers. It will bring us together.”