Next door neighbours become 80 per cent more irritating

YOUR next door neighbours have become more annoying now you are locked down next to them, experts have confirmed. 

The Institute for Studies said it had expected neighbours to get a bit on your nerves but could not have predicted how completely irritating they are.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research was based on categories including choice of music played and at what volume, cooking smells, pet sounds, random banging coming from the paper-thin wall adjacent to yours, and enthusiastic lovemaking.

“Many neighbours got the maximum score in all of these categories and more. We gave bonus points for blasting Chris Brown in the garden with little or no remorse. 

“And now of course they have the option of emotionally blackmailing you into clapping awkwardly for NHS staff.”

Neighbour Ellie Shaw said: “Actually we’re just being annoying in the hope of starting a long-running dispute with the neighbours to while away the hours while we’re stuck at home. 

“We don’t even have a dog. I’ve downloaded the sound of a terrier barking and put it on a constant loop on my laptop speakers. It will bring us together.”

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What to do now you've bought too much stuff like a f**king idiot

ARE you drowning in a sea of panic-bought bog paper and food? Here are some ways to use up your stock of irresponsible purchases.

Build a house out of spaghetti

You’re going to have to use up all that pasta somehow. Bundled together with glue, spaghetti is (probably) an effective building material, enabling you to get on the property ladder, build a second home or join the lucrative buy-to-let market. Just watch out for rain.

Get into weird brewing

If you’ve ever been to prison you’ll know almost anything containing sugar can be turned into alcohol. Try distilling Heinz baked beans and pork sausages vodka, or how about a delicious pint of stale bread lager? Even if the alcohol content is low the dangerous mould will give you the trip of a lifetime.

Experiment with what is edible

Can a household sponge marinated in chilli and garlic then deep fried really be much worse than most tofu recipes? Instead of mint ice cream, have a bowl of chilled toothpaste for dessert and never worry about brushing your teeth before bed again.

Don’t worry about diarrhoea

With 900 bog rolls filling your garage, you need never fear the squits again. Tuck into out-of-date food in the fridge, or ancient tins at the back of the cupboard. Your ringpiece will be screaming for mercy, but you’ll save at least £5 on buying new food.

Stop being a snob about eating pet food

You’ve probably bought enough dog or cat food to last 10 years longer than your beloved pet’s actual lifespan. And let’s admit it – those gourmet cat food pouches with gravy and vegetables are probably a lot nicer than the crap you make after getting in from the pub.