The six stages of becoming an anti-mask dickhead

EVER wondered how someone turns goes from normal to ranting about ‘muzzles’? Here are the stages that take them there:

Dole scroungers

The gateway drug to through-the-looking-glass lunacy is usually ‘dole scroungers’. After developing a taste for being outraged by largely made-up stuff, you’re well on their way to believing stuff that’s patently false just to feel the same buzz.

Paedos

The next 90s tabloid obsession was incensed, out-of-proportion paedophile coverage. A cause to latch onto for the ghoulish drama, but also because it’s easy to feel superior in comparison to literally the worst people in existence.

Immigration

Call it a hunch, but most anti-maskers are not likely to be big fans of immigration. This dismal fixation confirms that it’s fun to feel aggrieved even if it’s bollocks, eg the entire population of Turkey wants to move to Canterbury.

Brexit

Brexit opened the lunacy floodgates: judges are traitors, Merkel is Hitler without the Panzers, David Davis is a skilled negotiator. When you’re living in a fantasy world, it’s not a huge mental leap to believing scientists are making you wear masks as an S&M domination thing.

Pick one from: 9/11, the Illuminati, chemtrails, QAnon, Roswell, flat-earther or simulation theory

Go freeform for the penultimate stage of your journey to the far side and enjoy any one of the above. Don’t worry, they’re all on YouTube.

Anti-mask protester

After years of contrarian bullshit, cretins now believe wearing a mask for ten minutes in Boots is government oppression. No doubt they’ll soon campaign against the draconian laws stopping you enjoying a nice glass of weedkiller.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Has your cat got coronavirus or is it just an arsehole?

IF your cat is behaving in a strange, antisocial way, it may have coronavirus or could just be a selfish little bastard as usual. Take the test:

Is your cat ignoring you despite the fact that you love them and provide for them?

A) Yes, and frankly it’s upsetting. Could it be ill?
B) No more than usual.

Is your cat eating normally?

A) No. For some reason it ate a plant out of the garden and made itself horribly unwell so now I’ve got a £400 vet’s bill.
B) Yes, in that it won’t touch Whiskas and will only eat super-expensive ‘gourmet’ food that I really can’t afford to keep buying.

Has it been coughing?

A) Yes, I did notice it gave a little cough earlier. I said ‘Are you okay?’ and it stared at me icily then left the room.
B) Yes, it coughed several times then barfed up a load of stinking furballs and vomit on the carpet.

Has your cat gone off its favourite activities?

A) Yes, it hasn’t been leaving eviscerated bird corpses under cushions on the sofa like something out of a horror movie.
B) Yes, it hasn’t been coming for cuddles to show its deep affection for me. Which admittedly isn’t its favourite activity but it did happen once, in 2018.

Is it keeping itself to itself?

A) Yes, it’s been asleep under the bed for seven hours, making me wonder why I bother.
B) No, it lavishes affection on total strangers while acting as if I don’t exist.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your cat MAY have coronavirus, but frankly it’s hard to tell because they’re manipulative, self-centred, lazy, disloyal little bastards with disgusting habits and a sinister interest in torture and murder.

Mostly Bs: See above.

Next story ›