Leicester man holidaying in Spain all out of f**king options

A MAN from Leicester on holiday in Spain has admitted he is all out of f**king ideas about what to do next. 

William McKay left his home city for his holiday apartment near Córdoba just before Leicester was locked down, and was due to go back at the end of the week ‘but that’s bollocksed now as well’.

He continued: “What the f**k? Where am I supposed to go?

“If I go back to my plague pit of a city then I’m doomed, though ironically I’ll be forced to self-isolate for 14 days to protect them from me.

“But if I stay here I’ll get caught up in the second wave and won’t be able to go home even if home does reopen for business, which seems unlikely.

“It’s like being in checkmate. And all the places that haven’t got spiralling R-numbers won’t welcome me because I’m from one of the bad places. Two of the bad places.

“Condemned to wander the earth forever, shunned by everyone. I wouldn’t mind but I haven’t even f**king got it.”

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Feminist not sure she's feminist enough to keep lockdown body hair

A FEMINIST is not sure that she’s feminist enough to keep her lockdown body hair throughout August.

Eleanor Shaw, 32, has been proudly cultivating her leg, armpit and fanny hair during quarantine, but is feeling less confident as the prospect of being around other humans looms.

She said: “I’ve honestly never felt so empowered in my life.

“I’ve spent lockdown really digging deep into my writing sisterhood while and letting my foof look as nature intended – which, it turns out, is seriously luxuriant and a lot like my Uncle Brian in 1978.

“But while I’m overjoyed to be liberated from the shackles of the patriarchal, capitalist system that made me hate myself for profit, can I wear a cossie without at least strimming the edges?

“I’ve got a hen do in Eastbourne next month. Am I really strong enough in my beliefs in matriarchy to swan in there like Piltdown Lady? I fear not.”

Partner Tom Logan said: “I support Ellie’s decision either way. Though I will now struggle to look uncle Brian in the eye ever again.”