Five rock-solid indisputable reasons for not returning to the office your boss will completely ignore

AS AN employee it is essential to know your rights during the pandemic, although they will be invalidated at your boss’s whim. For example: 

You are furloughed

If you’re legally furloughed you shouldn’t even be responding to work emails, and there’s no way your boss is allowed to call you in. So your boss will do exactly that this week. And because you want to be de-furloughed, you’ll go along with it.

You have childcare issues

Employers should be treating childcare issues sensitively, so as usual they’ll disregard them entirely. Reluctant to leave a couple of school-age aspiring arsonists home alone? Surely you can find someone who will take your children full time, for free, at a moment’s notice?

You no longer fit into work clothes

No matter how casual the Friday, stained joggers don’t make it but nothing else closes over your gut. Unfortunately your boss wants solutions not problems, so get ready to arrive for your one-on-one in a belted trenchcoat, bringing chips ’n’ dip because you snack 24-7 now.

You don’t have a job any more

If you have been made redundant, clearly there is no scenario in which you can be obligated to go into your old office. Nobody told your boss that. He needs his team here and working, not lounging around being unemployed at home. So you go in.

You have Covid-19

While being infected with the virus requires you, as per government advice, to isolate at home, it is hardly the attitude of a team player. ‘Covid leave was over by the end of the second quarter,’ your boss will bark. ‘You need to suck it up and take one for the team. Be in by 7am.’

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You don't need a mask if you're only picking up a few bits, shoppers inform staff

SHOPPERS at convenience stores have advised staff that there is no need for them to wear masks if they are buying ten items or less. 

Across the UK, customers are updating staff of smaller food shops that if they do not have a facemask but are only getting a few things then the regulations do not apply and the coronavirus risk is close to zero.

Nikki Hollis of Stoke-on-Trent said: “For a big shop you need a mask, absolutely. No way would I consider doing the weekly shop without one. But I’m just popping in.

“And to be honest the longer I spend explaining that to the girl in the shop, with my hand over my mouth because I’m being responsible, the more danger we’re both in.

“I only need cat food, kitchen roll, vodka and 20 Lambert & Butler, so the risk is absolutely nil. I’m no doctor, but even I can see that.”

Shopper Steve Malley agreed: “I forgot my mask, but I made sure to say ‘Sorry love, I’ll only be quick’ so medically I’ve covered myself.

“I don’t know why her behind the counter was so arsey about it. She needs to get over herself. It’s only a Tesco Express.”