Tuesday, 26th January 2021

How to have a shite British holiday like when you were a kid

WITH foreign travel buggered and constant rain, conditions are perfect to recreate the wretchedly miserable UK holidays of your childhood. Follow our guide: 

Make it grim

Your resort should feature scenery you can’t see through drizzle, historical sites you’re not interested in, and plenty of crap like slot machines, too many chip shops and a smattering of violent yobs. Locales like Rhyl, Southend and Skegness all get the job done.

Smoke in the car

Take up smoking and puff away on B&H throughout the journey, ensuring the kids get a good lungful. When the ashtray is full empty it on the road, leaving a disgusting pile of tarry dog-ends in the gutter. Congratulations, you are now a 1980s dad.

Only visit the beach in the rain

This will be easy, because whenever you go to the beach it will rain. Sheltering under piers, dead crabs and pictures of kids wearing wellies and cagoules while building sandcastles, ah lovely. Visit a grotty cafe afterwards and stand outside wishing you were warm.

Go to bloody awful attractions

Found a leaflet from 2009 advertising the HG Wells Experience? A glass-blowing centre? An ornamental f**king garden? Traipse there, discover that pandemic restrictions make it impossible to access, traipse back to the car.

Eat incredibly badly

Your staple diet should be very average fish and chips varied with deep-fried doughnuts and pure-sugar novelty sweets in the shape of a child’s dummy or an all-day breakfast. If self-catering, be sure to have packed lunches with egg sandwiches – no mayo, just margarine – eaten in the car while rain drums on the roof.

Go back every year

Having tasted pure misery, you would return to the same town, same boarding house, same mini-golf course even more delapidated, year on year. Continue this wonderful, unimaginative British tradition.