How to have a shite British holiday like when you were a kid

WITH foreign travel buggered and constant rain, conditions are perfect to recreate the wretchedly miserable UK holidays of your childhood. Follow our guide: 

Make it grim

Your resort should feature scenery you can’t see through drizzle, historical sites you’re not interested in, and plenty of crap like slot machines, too many chip shops and a smattering of violent yobs. Locales like Rhyl, Southend and Skegness all get the job done.

Smoke in the car

Take up smoking and puff away on B&H throughout the journey, ensuring the kids get a good lungful. When the ashtray is full empty it on the road, leaving a disgusting pile of tarry dog-ends in the gutter. Congratulations, you are now a 1980s dad.

Only visit the beach in the rain

This will be easy, because whenever you go to the beach it will rain. Sheltering under piers, dead crabs and pictures of kids wearing wellies and cagoules while building sandcastles, ah lovely. Visit a grotty cafe afterwards and stand outside wishing you were warm.

Go to bloody awful attractions

Found a leaflet from 2009 advertising the HG Wells Experience? A glass-blowing centre? An ornamental f**king garden? Traipse there, discover that pandemic restrictions make it impossible to access, traipse back to the car.

Eat incredibly badly

Your staple diet should be very average fish and chips varied with deep-fried doughnuts and pure-sugar novelty sweets in the shape of a child’s dummy or an all-day breakfast. If self-catering, be sure to have packed lunches with egg sandwiches – no mayo, just margarine – eaten in the car while rain drums on the roof.

Go back every year

Having tasted pure misery, you would return to the same town, same boarding house, same mini-golf course even more delapidated, year on year. Continue this wonderful, unimaginative British tradition.

Post-Brexit replacements for the Italian foods you've come to love

EU COUNTRIES are no longer delivering to Britain, so we need to create British subsitutes for your favourite Italian meals. Try these ideas: 

Pizza

If you think about it, pizza is nothing but fancy-pants cheese on toast but a dash more ketchup than you’re used to. Put four slices of white Sunblest together, trim into a circle, add sauce, cheddar and pre-cut discs of Spam, then stick in the oven. You’ll never know the difference.

Olives

Teaspoonfuls of Bovril, frozen in an ice-cube tray, look just the same and are just as unpleasantly salty without being all poncey and Mediterranean. Put them on your home-made pizza before grimacing, removing and binning them, just like the real thing.

Focaccia

To recreate the holey goodness of a wedge of focaccia, just take a hammer to a couple of pieces of pre-moistened Ryvita. Sprinkle on too much salt for that ultra-authentic feel.

Parmesan

Either shave the hard skin off your feet, or leave cheddar out until it’s hard, then smash it up. Foreigners only bother with other cheeses because they haven’t got cheddar. There is no problem it cannot solve.

Tiramisu

Simply pour some Kenco instant coffee over a Greggs’ cream finger doughnut and wait for it to go soggy. Done deal. No need for the fancy name and all the fuss.

Olive oil

Bog off Italy, we all know butter tastes better. Melt it in a pan if you can’t survive without pouring it. Yes, it’ll probably bump you off quicker than olive oil, but with the current economic forecast and general state of the world, you’ll be doing yourself a favour.