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The strict rules all GPs must follow before they prescribe Mounjaro

WEIGHT-loss jab Mounjaro is now available from the NHS, but will your GP prescribe it? Only if you meet these strict criteria: 

Fat

Really fat

Have BMI of 40 or over and four out of five of: type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease or sleep apnoea, all of which are easily identified by your being really fat

Really, really fat

Have tried at least one diet

So fat you’ve been approached by a Channel 5 researcher in the street to ask if you’re on benefits and if so would you be interested in reality television

Buy Monster in daily eight-packs

Are planning to get really fat for a bit and want to be prepared

Have ever completed Margate’s Dalby Cafe Mega Breakfast Challenge without subsequently completing a marathon

Are a Daily Mail writer looking to lose rapidly lose weight then gain it again for a personal piece which will ultimately be used to belittle and humiliate women for daring to dream

Always bothering the GP

Application to Love Island accepted but BMI is above 20

Always bothering the GP’s receptionist

Might be good-looking enough for Love Island if you lost weight and the surgery is interested enough to see

GP and receptionist have a £20 bet on whether you’ll be able to out-eat Mounjaro

Massively up for the side-effects

Husband serving in Army overseas and want to surprise him for viral video which will be placed in front of every social media user every day from now until the end of time

Want to continue living horrendously unhealthy lifestyle without consequences

Are Big Narstie

Are fighting body-positivity narratives

Ask nicely

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Friend who doesn't follow the news might be onto something

YOUR friend who you have previously mocked for their lack of interest in current affairs may have had the right idea the entire time, you have admitted. 

While previously you have laughed at Martin Bishop for thinking Angela Rayner was Stacey Dooley, the events of the weekend have forced you to note that he seems healthier, happier and not in the least concerned about armageddon.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I was first to take the piss when Martin said ‘What, Puff Daddy’s on trial is he? Is it for nicking that tune from the Police for his Princess Di song?’

“But lately, as I try not to compulsively check who’s bombing who in the Middle East, I’ve found myself craving his state of enlightened ignorance. He begins to seem like the Buddha.

“I asked what he’d got up to this weekend, and he cheerfully recounted a bottomless brunch and watching a film. No mention of pissing away hours doomscrolling hashtags like #Iran and #IsThisWorldWar3 then lying awake until 4am. He was happy.

“Maybe it’s not too late for me. I could delete all my news apps, repeatedly slam my head in a car door and be oblivious just like Martin. I just want to be free from the burden of knowledge.”

Bishop said: “Trump’s president again, is he? Doesn’t matter to me. I’m not American and they’re all the same anyway.”

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