ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now? Find out:
How do you feel most days when you wake up?
A) Terrible, with a headache from staying up until midnight on wine and gin last night and feeling the pain from yesterday’s 5K run.
B) Terrible, with a headache even though you didn’t drink anything but redbush tea and went to bed at 9.45pm.
What’s the first question young children ask you?
A) Why have you painted purple bits under your eyes?
B) How are you still alive?
What kind of presents do friends buy you?
A) Days out? Clothes? Books I never get round to reading?
B) Just bottles of whiskey because nobody’s sure what I can actually manage to do anymore.
You make a self-deprecating comment while talking to a friend. They:
A) Immediately say, ‘You look fine!’
B) Allow a pause to stretch for too long as they wonder if now’s the time for an intervention, then over-correct by saying ‘Did you know you can work wonders with Instagram filters?’
What do you say when you pick things up off the floor?
A) Why am I the one who has to pick up this shit? It’s like none of the rest of you even see it
Who is Mr Blobby?
A) A character from a TV show who once had a Christmas number one
B) Fat, stumbling around breaking stuff, incoherent, terrifying to children, nobody can remember why they even liked it once: you
Mostly As: You’re just tired. Do something comforting like eat a Terry’s Chocolate Orange in front of old episodes of Foyle’s War, and on no account take any selfies.
Mostly Bs: You’re old and haggard. Take it out on the young by voting Tory.