Tired or old? Take our quiz

ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now? Find out: 

How do you feel most days when you wake up?

A) Terrible, with a headache from staying up until midnight on wine and gin last night and feeling the pain from yesterday’s 5K run.
B) Terrible, with a headache even though you didn’t drink anything but redbush tea and went to bed at 9.45pm.

What’s the first question young children ask you?

A) Why have you painted purple bits under your eyes?
B) How are you still alive?

What kind of presents do friends buy you?

A) Days out? Clothes? Books I never get round to reading?
B) Just bottles of whiskey because nobody’s sure what I can actually manage to do anymore.

You make a self-deprecating comment while talking to a friend. They:

A) Immediately say, ‘You look fine!’
B) Allow a pause to stretch for too long as they wonder if now’s the time for an intervention, then over-correct by saying ‘Did you know you can work wonders with Instagram filters?’

What do you say when you pick things up off the floor?

A) Why am I the one who has to pick up this shit? It’s like none of the rest of you even see it
B) Oof

Who is Mr Blobby? 

A) A character from a TV show who once had a Christmas number one
B) Fat, stumbling around breaking stuff, incoherent, terrifying to children, nobody can remember why they even liked it once: you


Mostly As: You’re just tired. Do something comforting like eat a Terry’s Chocolate Orange in front of old episodes of Foyle’s War, and on no account take any selfies.

Mostly Bs: You’re old and haggard. Take it out on the young by voting Tory.

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Employee asked to 'socialise the idea and see if it gains traction' hates that he knows what it means

A MAN asked to socialise an idea and give it an offline pulse-check has confirmed that it made him hate his boss but also hate himself. 

Josh Hudson clarified that he completely understands what his boss means, will perform the actions and report back to him in the same language but that everyone involved will be filled with self-loathing throughout.

Hudson continued: “Before he got promoted, Ryan was a normal human being. Then one day we were on a call and he said, ‘What cadence shall we engage at going forward? Can we circle back and touch base by close of play?’

“I waited for someone to take the piss but no-one did. Then Martin replied, without any trace of irony: ‘I think a daily pulse-check is a good baseline: that will keep us nimble. And if we don’t get buy-in during that window, we can deep-dive offline.’

“And, God help us, we did.”

Professor of linguistics Helen Archer said: “Workplaces are hotbeds of insecurity and sheep-like imitation, so if one tosser uses a phrase everyone will. Drop ‘Let’s hand-feed this koala’ and five days later, the executive board is saying it.

“Or you can speak plain English and make sure you’re clearly understood at all times. But don’t expect to ever get promoted.”