Five lovely cute little businesses run by horrible posh twats

LOVE that new vegan cafe or organic chocolatier? Prefer not to know these adorable independent businesses are run by insufferable privileged bastards? Bad luck: 

The hipster florist

A bunch of flowers brightens anyone’s day, though less so when the people you buy them from are foppish arseholes who made a fortune in pharmaceuticals and now run this as a retirement hobby at the age of 39. And will still make millions off it.

The wine merchant

Everyone pretends to know about wine, but no-one condescends more than this Eton and Cambridge graduate. Anything under £50 is ‘plonk’ to him and he has been known to recommend that you pair the Malbec with roast pheasant while sneering superciliously because he knows you won’t.

The rustic bakery

This wood-panelled, artisanal bakery only makes one type of bread a day and it always has an edible flower in it. The service always makes you feel as if your very prescence is emitting some sort of foul odour, and they roll their eyes at your pronunciation of ‘ciabatta’.

The bougie bookshop

Ordering books off Amazon is what the Nazis did. Real readers prefer the simple charm of a local bookshop with velvet furnishings and a live-in cat. It’s the perfect place to peruse Proust, if the boorish owner could stop loudly complaining that he doesn’t think he’ll get round to his Verbier chalet this year.

The coffee shop

Why go to Costa when you can support a quirky independent retailer? Because it’s run by two former hedge fund twats who fly to Colombia to choose their beans and have a business plan to go global by 2024. A latte costs £8.40.

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Furloughed woman realises her life's calling is to be paid not to work

A FURLOUGHED woman has had the spiritual awakening that what she was born to do was to earn money for not working. 

Lucy Parry of Nottingham admitted she has been dissatisfied in her career for years and wondered if there was something out there that would be perfect for her, and has now found it.

She said: “I’ve been furloughed since March. And in that time I’ve realised that what truly makes me deep-down happy in life is raking it in while doing jack shit all day.

“Not having to set an alarm in the morning, not having to worry about drinking on a school night, not having to trawl through 57 responses to a single group email about a birthday cake and still being paid 80 per cent of my wage. I’ve found my calling.

“I’m thinking of maybe doing an online course in productivity avoidance, so I can really hone my skill set to be best placed to do more quality non-work in the years to come.

“Honestly, if only I’d known earlier I could find something I enjoy doing as much as sod all and actually be paid for it! This really is a dream come true.”

Boyfriend Tom Booker said: “I’ve tried to prepare her for the fact that the scheme won’t last forever, but she’s too high on indolence to take it in.”