Six haircuts that say 'I was so excited to get to the hairdresser that I panicked'

HAIRDRESSERS are open again, so here’s six styles that say ‘I was so focused on getting there first I didn’t think about what I wanted then buckled under pressure’: 

The pixie cut

When you’ve nabbed an appointment the first weekend back you know that you need to make a statement. But, though so much is different in this post-lockdown world, the fact remains that nobody can pull this off even with a mask covering half their face.

The short fringe

Unable to articulate your feelings when asked ‘How have you been?’, you pointed to a truly dreadful cut to sum it up and then got given it. At least it could stop everyone talking about pubs long enough to congratulate you on your ‘bold’ choice.

The mullet

Confronted by your hairdresser in their full PPE, your mind harks back to happier times. Like a few months ago, when Tiger King was massive and we thought this might all be over by June. Expect ‘business in front, party in back’ to become a government slogan within weeks.

The bleached look

You had the self-restraint not to try bleaching your hair at home, so you rewarded yourself by getting it done the moment it was possible. Hideously expensive, wildly misjudged given your skin tone, and ready for your roots to be visible right through either the second wave or your upcoming unemployment.

The work-in-progress

You tried to cut it yourself. It went horribly wrong. You got your partner to do it. It was even worse. Now your clearly traumatised hairdresser has had to go in and sort it out into something that will apparently be okay when grown out but currently looks dangerously experimental.

Just a trim

You booked before realising you will continue to have little reason to look nice. Make all the arguments about split ends you want, but in your heart of hearts you know you’ve wasted the most exciting thing that will happen for months. At least mullets have character.

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How to start having dreadful middle class dinner parties again

WITH two households now able to meet, it’s the perfect opportunity to start showing off at dinner parties again. Here’s how to make them particularly irksome.

Think of some smug lockdown conversations

Dinner parties are for keeping people captive without actually tying them up while you show off. Tell your guests lockdown has been wonderful for bonding with your kids, exercising and your sex life. Be quite explicit – they will enjoy thinking about your sex organs while eating.

Moan about getting hold of ingredients

Don’t hold back on the melodrama. Getting fresh coriander has been ‘impossible’ and ‘a nightmare’. Perhaps share a toe-curling anecdote, for example: “I spent six hours online trying to source Grana Padano then broke down in tears because I felt I’d failed as a wife and mother.”

Have a blazing row 

The worst dinner parties involve the host couple ripping each other to shreds over various simmering resentments as guests quietly die of embarrassment. And after months of lockdown together, you should be ready to go off like a Trident warhead.

Imply your so-so meal is three-star Michelin fare

No change from pre-lockdown times, but remember to do it. List every farm shop ingredient in your French poulet with wild mushrooms as if you’re a top Paris chef, when it’s basically just chicken with a bit of cream. People will love the awkward atmosphere of going along with a blatant lie.

Take the post-dinner chat to new levels of boredom

You already had long conversations about pensions or what your son is doing at Exeter University, so lockdown is an exciting new vein of tedium to mine. Did you take up batik then give up without any notable results or funny stories about it? Drone on for at least 20 minutes.