Couple who don't want to send their kids to school off to the beach this weekend

A COUPLE angry they will be fined if they do not send their kids to school are looking forward to a visit to a busy beach.

Martin and Charlotte Bishop say they are disgusted by plans to force their children back into classrooms, but are perfectly happy for them to sit uncomfortably close to strangers whilst wearing swimsuits.

Charlotte Bishop said: “It’s barbaric to ask me to send my precious darlings to sit in a crowded place where social distancing rules won’t be adhered to and they could be coughed on.

“I’m not going to put them in danger, unless it benefits me in some way, like needing to top up my tan because our fortnight in Bali this summer has been cruelly stolen from me by coronavirus.

“If I’m perfectly honest, it’ll be a relief for them to bugger off come September, but I’m in a very competitive school mum’s group on Whatsapp so I have to pretend I give a shit.”


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Five crucial coronavirus rules to follow when hopelessly pissed down the pub

OUT for a swift one? Staying out for nine more? Here are the five crucial rules to obey so you can slur ‘I swear I’ve remained within public health guidelines’ when you stagger in. 

Order remotely

Joining the crush at the bar is a thing of the past. Instead remain at your table and use an app to order, or shout your order at someone who looks like they might work here, or simply gesture to your thirsty throat while shouting at the sky. Drink whatever arrives.

Don’t use the toilets

Pub toilets were a major disease vector even before the coronavirus. Instead nip into the bushes, or out to the front wall, or piss against cars in the residential area the pub’s based in. Hey, doing the right thing isn’t always easy.

Tell people they’re your best f**king mate from a distance

After you’ve had a few, you’ll agree with a fellow pub-goer about something – often as minor as liking the same Oasis B-side – and they will in that moment become your best f**king mate. But instead of putting your arm around their shoulders, bellow what a f**king great bloke they are from one-meter-plus.

Fight using furniture

Sadly, the traditional post-pub punch-up must be shelved for 2020, as fists crashing into jaws could spread COVID-19. Play it safe and use chairs and tables as weapons to hammer your opponent while diligently avoiding infection.

Have the hot sauce on your kebab

Clear your airways and burn out any harmful microbes or whatever the f**k they are by demanding the hot sauce on your kebab, from outside the shop, at top volume. Phrases like “The hot sauce! The really f**king hot one!” are officially sanctioned by the government.