England suffering banging hangover under disapproving gaze of Scotland and Wales

ENGLAND is suffering an apocalyptic hangover only made worse by Scotland and Wales nagging about how irresponsible it has been. 

The day after pubs opened for the first time since March, England has woken up covered in its own vomit with a stinking headache only to be lectured by its Celtic neighbours.

Scotland said: “Look, we all depend on our hospitality sector. Mine’s vital to the whole economy. But trying to kickstart it yourself just because you’re bored is bloody dangerous. And you’ve got sick in your hair.”

Wales agreed: “Hey, I’m on your side. I voted for Brexit. But this booze and reopening binge you’ve been on this last fortnight is not healthy.

“Shall we just lay off a bit and remember we’re still meant to be social distancing, yeah? We might come out for a beer with you soon, as long as you don’t get totally shitfaced again and embarrass us.”

England said: “Just wait until your pubs open, you pious bastards.”

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Someone explain discounting to Waitrose, demand Britons

DISCOUNTING something that costs £3.85 to £3.55 is not a proper discount and can Waitrose please sort it out, British shoppers have asked.

Charlotte Phelps triumphantly bought several items from Waitrose with yellow stickers on, only to be informed by her husband when she got home that her total saving was a pathetic 47p.

Phelps said: “Charlie Bigham macaroni cheese down from £7.75 to £7.45 is not a discount. Did you know that posh little tray it comes in is made of wood, not solid gold? I’ve checked.

“I demand a proper discount. You know, an Asda discount. The kind where people menacingly stalk the lady with the sticker dispenser, then fling themselves like frenzied wolves upon mounds of dirt-cheap crumpets.

“Entering a scrum for dubious plastic-wrapped mystery meat from the deli counter and blackened bananas at 20p a bunch is part of my birthright as a Brit.”

A spokesperson for Waitrose said: “We do special Waitrose discounting which makes sure everything is still eye-wateringly expensive.

“This fits with the values of our core demographic, namely to preserve at all costs their superiority to normal shoppers.”