A CONSERVATIVE government will set up a social networking site so that we can all read about each other's embarrassing diseases.
The party says Embarrassing RashBook will give people greater control over sharing the medical consequences of their ill-judged sexual exploits and appalling personal hygiene.
Shadow health secretary Andrew Lansley said: "We did think about setting up a secure online facility so you could have access to your own medical records, but we soon realised the chances of keeping it private were infinitesimally small.
"Therefore, in order to encourage open government and to prevent Google and Microsoft blackmailing everybody, we reckon it's just a lot easier if everyone can see what's wrong with everyone else all the time."
He added: "You'll be able to constantly update your 'friends' on what antibiotic ointments you've been prescribed and what you're currently dabbing them onto.
"And imagine the fun we can have exchanging the best excuses for how all those everyday, household objects somehow became wedged in our back passage."
To encourage competition and greater efficiency the Tories have pledged to set up a range of networks including MyInfectedSpace, BeBoils and Clapster.
There are also plans for a range of horribly intrusive quizzes, disease compatibility tests and fun, infection-based games like Top Trumps and Scabulous.