Two beers is the new sober

THE standard level of sobriety is to be upgraded to two medium-strength beers, or a large glass of wine.

Following an increase in life awfulness, adults will now be allowed to get a couple of cheeky drinks under their belt before they are expected to deal with anything.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There is an alcohol bell curve for coping with family life, social occasions and work related tasks such as team meetings and bomb disposal.

“Actual, teetotal sobriety will be treated as a mental illness, like depression or being a Methodist, and we should pity those who choose not to drink rather than view them as empty, joyless freaks.”

Police will now use stop and search powers to ensure everyone is nicely buzzed and anybody with a dangerously low blood-alcohol level will be tasered.

Total sobriety was the standard from the Iron Age until 1914, when troops found that alcohol made it easier to cope with being blown up in a ditch because of a boundary dispute between some in-breds.

This level was maintained until yesterday when the government decided to increase defence spending rather than let you keep your money so you could spend it on electricity.

Professor Brubaker added: “From now on alcoholics will be called ‘the aggressively sane’.”



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Being poor 'just keeps getting better'

BEING poor is a right laugh, according to people without any money.

As it emerged that many poor people’s council tax bills are set to rise, people living in poverty responded with characteristic glee.

Unemployed Roy Hobbs said: “I love how I’m just getting poorer and poorer.

“Not having any money gives you a lot of freedom because you’re never tempted to buy anything.”