Masturbation deadly

MEN who spent their 20s and 30s in an endless cavalcade of frenzied masturbation will die because of it, according to a new study.

Researchers have confirmed that years of determined self-abuse will leave you with a malignant prostate the size of a clenched fist, leading to an embarrassing death and a legacy of unutterable shame.

The Institute for Studies asked 800 men how often they had sex or masturbated between the age of 20 and 40. They then divided the first figure by ten and multiplied the latter by 100.

After inspection, those who claimed they masturbated 40 times a month were stared at silently by a female researcher sucking a pen until they mumbled ‘eighty’, and finally ‘okay, at least 120’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, said: “There will be millions of worried men out there tonight desperately counting up all the wanks they’ve ever had.

“Ladies, if your husband or boyfriend is frantically punching numbers into a calculator and rubbing his brow, then make him a cup of tea and some cheese on toast. He’s probably in for some rather bad news.”

Tom Logan, an estate agent from Croydon, said: “I know I had sex maybe 18 or 19 times, but the wanking? Christ knows. Remember, this was all pre X-box. There was, quite literally, nothing else to do.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Labour Politicians Do Nothing Wrong Again

THE Labour Party was embroiled in controversy last night after another four of its politicians did absolutely nothing wrong.

As the Sunday Times published details of four labour peers accepting money to try and influence legislation, the party said it was not often British politics was confronted with such a spectacular absence of wrongdoing.

Labour peer Lord Moonie, said: "Asking for money to perform consultancy tasks that may or may not involve tabling amendments may not be right, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

"And either way, as a member of the British legislature it is hardly for me to decide what should and should not be against the law."

A Labour spokesman said the latest example of Labour politicians not doing anything wrong would be confirmed after a thorough investigation by the Labour Leader of the House of Lords.

It is the first time this year that Labour politicians have done nothing wrong and comes after a series of money related scandals in which there was absolutely no wrongdoing.

The spokesman added: "Yes, Peter Hain failed to register donations to his deputy leadership campaign and was rebuked by the Commons but I'm sure you'll agree, he didn't actually do anything wrong.

"Yes, we accepted £600,000 from a millionaire businessman in someone else's name in a clear breach of the rules, but that's not the same as actual wrongdoing.

"Yes, lots of people may have been offered this or that in exchange for a donation but it is a matter of record that no-one did anything wrong. Even the Crown Prosecution Service somehow managed to agree with us on that one.

"And yes, Peter Mandelson failed to declare details about his mortgage and tried to help some Indian chums skip the passport queue. That, of course, is textbook example of no-one doing anything wrong as you can see from his recent promotion."

Next story ›