We can add water to wine but we don't, say middle class drinkers

IF our wine needs some water in it then we know where the water is, middle class drinkers have confirmed.

The government has called for more lower alcohol wines, prompting millions of people to assure minsters that they understand the basic principles of dilution.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I remember as a child tasting some undiluted Kia-Ora. It was horribly strong and sweet so I added some water and that made it much better.

“When I grew up and started drinking Cabernet Sauvignon most days, I recalled my Kia-Ora experience and thought, ‘that won’t work with wine, so I’m not going to do that’.”

Experts stressed the move would require a massive and costly overhaul of the regulations as opposed to just adding a sentence to the labels such as, ‘did you know  you can add water to this?’.

Wine drinker Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Please, leave me alone.”

His wife Sarah added: “Never mind him, he’s just in a bad mood because he lives in Britain.

“I tell him to cheer up, but he just stares at me and then pours himself another glass of Beaujolais.

“He says he drinks it because he likes it, but I know that deep down he’s in crisis.

“When I tell him that he starts crying and says, ‘honestly, I just like it and the reason I’m crying is because I keep having to tell you that I just like it’.

“Then he takes my hand very tenderly, looks longingly into my eyes and says ‘please, I am begging you, leave me alone’.”

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Qatar to create new ice age for 2022 World Cup

QATAR plans to trigger an ice age to cool the Earth sufficiently for it to host the World Cup.

The scheme, which will reduce the Earth’s temperature by 32 degrees and leave 70 per cent of it uninhabitable, has been approved by FIFA who said it was preferable to the administrative headache of changing the location.

The plan will wrench the Earth from its axis, causing the seas to freeze over and turning most of Europe into a wasteland inhabited by fur-clad barbarians fighting packs of feral bull-seals, though the Scots are not expected to notice.

A spokesman for the Qatari Football Federation said: “The pathetic remnants of humanity which cling to life will be more dependent on oil than ever.

“Also the survivors of our heavily branded Qatarstrophe – and do not even think about using that name without clearance from the rights owners – will come to our stadiums for food, shelter and the cheering spectacle of homosexuals fighting cave bears at the opening ceremony.”

Competing nations fear that the freezing, potentially lethal conditions will make an attractive passing game impossible.

Former Stoke manager Tony Pulis, whose tough-tackling long-ball game would suit the unforgiving Arctic tundra perfectly, is tipped to take over as England manager.

Following approval of the plan, FIFA president Sepp Blatter said: “My work here is complete.”

Pausing only to tear the flesh mask from his inhuman crystalline features, he then climbed into a waiting spaceship and departed for the Crab Nebula.