I refuse to look at Cameron’s bulbous gloating face

Dear Holly,

I can handle the disappointment of seeing the Scottish team defeated at Wembley. I’m happy to cover the clean-up bill for Trafalgar Square (which is currently strewn with empty cans of Tennents and Irn-Bru vomit). But what I refuse to do, is have to look for one minute longer at David Cameron’s bulbous, shiny, smug English face as he celebrates another English victory. If I were to attack him with a claymore, Rob Roy-style, do you think it might damage my chances in the 2014 referendum?

Alex Salmond

holly2111111Dear Alex,

If it’s any consolation, you can count on us kids to vote for you in your referendum thingy next year. If you think about it, the Scottish nation and children have got loads of stuff in common: we can’t get enough sugary drinks and toffee; nobody ever takes us seriously; and we base all of our historical knowledge on Mel Gibson films. We’ve even got to have our own special TV programmes that no-one else can understand. Aside from the swearing and alcoholism, I think you’ll agree we’re peas in a pod.

Hope that helps!