I refuse to look at Cameron's bulbous gloating face

Dear Holly,

I can handle the disappointment of seeing the Scottish team defeated at Wembley. I’m happy to cover the clean-up bill for Trafalgar Square (which is currently strewn with empty cans of Tennents and Irn-Bru vomit). But what I refuse to do, is have to look for one minute longer at David Cameron’s bulbous, shiny, smug English face as he celebrates another English victory. If I were to attack him with a claymore, Rob Roy-style, do you think it might damage my chances in the 2014 referendum?

Alex Salmond

Dear Alex,

If it’s any consolation, you can count on us kids to vote for you in your referendum thingy next year. If you think about it, the Scottish nation and children have got loads of stuff in common: we can’t get enough sugary drinks and toffee; nobody ever takes us seriously; and we base all of our historical knowledge on Mel Gibson films. We’ve even got to have our own special TV programmes that no-one else can understand. Aside from the swearing and alcoholism, I think you’ll agree we’re peas in a pod.

Hope that helps!

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Workers just want more money

THE key to a happy workforce is giving them more money, it has emerged.

Research into employee satisfaction has revealed that staff couldn’t really give a shit about anything except getting paid more.

Management consultant Tom Booker said: “We thought maybe they wanted better training, flexible hours or timetabled structured sessions. Or table football in the refectory.

“They don’t. They want money.

“It’s pretty obvious when you think about it. I mean, it’s all I want.”

Sales administrator Emma Bradford said: “I am in this office for one reason alone, and that is not to attend regular go-karting sessions with relative strangers.

“Nor is it the challenge of being the very best I can be and delivering outstanding performance every second of the day, in accordance with our corporate mission statement.

“I just want money to spend on things, and if I get enough of it then I’ll be in a good mood all the time.”

Assistant office manager Julian Cook agreed: “The bosses here have introduced a thing where we take turns to stand on a chair and every member of the team says a positive thing about us.

“I would much rather have just one single fiver. Even a pound coin.”

Tom Booker added: “The only difficulty is that as soon as you give people more money they immediately convince themselves they deserve more. Especially if the people in charge are getting wheelbarrows full of the stuff.

“I’ve no solution for that. It’s just how it goes, really.”