Hyperloop 'not viable because of flatulence'

TRAVELLERS on a planned ‘tubular transportation system’ would be suffocated by human wind, it has been claimed.

PayPal billionaire Elon Musk’s designs for a 760mph ‘Hyperloop’ have been criticised for ignoring the potentially lethal volume of anal gas that would occur within its sealed environment.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The designs show dozens of passengers strapped into a futuristic tube that is practically airtight.

“There simply isn’t enough air flow for the wind to dissipate. All it takes is one good drifter and everyone will be physically sick.”

He added: “Passengers will be fired at incredible speeds right into strangers’ farts.

“At that velocity, if the person in front of you drops one it comes out pretty much inside your nose. They are letting off inside your face.”

Professor Brubaker said the problem was likely to be exacerbated by fast food consumed at the Hyperloop station.

He said: “When you’re travelling, you never manage to get breakfast at home so you would probably grab a bacon and egg McMuffin. That rubbery disc of egg is the archetypal fart catalyst.

“Now imagine hundreds of thousands of commuters, full of processed dairy product and nervous at the prospect of becoming human bullets. It’s the perfect fart storm.

“For 21st century transport, you really need a jetpack. Then you can let rip as you please because you’re in the sky, also any fart sounds will be masked by the jets.”


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Coalition returns £520k after 'honest PR misunderstanding'

THE coalition parties have returned £520,000 to which they had helped themselves, insisting they had honestly not realised how bad it would look.

Former nurse Joan Edwards, who died aged 90, left the money to the ‘government of the day’ which the coalition parties assumed meant ‘spend it on bullshit campaigns filled with nauseating lies’.

Tory chairman Grant Shapps said: “We took this money in good public relations faith. If at any point we had thought it looked deeply cynical and dishonest we would have found another way of doing it.

“I think we have all learned an important lesson.”

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said: “Although I didn’t know Joan Edwards after looking at a photograph of her and reading her will, I feel as if I did.

“And what came through, very strongly, was a decent, hard working and intelligent woman who served her community with dedication and really wanted me to be able justify myself.”

He added: “It’s particularly sad because we’ve also spent the £2.4m we got from that fraudster a few years ago.”

Meanwhile Mr Shapps insisted that other frail old ladies should not be put off from leaving all their money to the Conservative Party.

He said: “To avoid any confusion, we’ll draw up the will for you. We can also put your cat to sleep for a tenner.”