Hyperloop ‘not viable because of flatulence’

TRAVELLERS on a planned ‘tubular transportation system’ would be suffocated by human wind, it has been claimed.

A multi billion dollar fart fest

Worse than the Bakerloo line

PayPal billionaire Elon Musk’s designs for a 760mph ‘Hyperloop’ have been criticised for ignoring the potentially lethal volume of anal gas that would occur within its sealed environment.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The designs show dozens of passengers strapped into a futuristic tube that is practically airtight.

“There simply isn’t enough air flow for the wind to dissipate. All it takes is one good drifter and everyone will be physically sick.”

He added: “Passengers will be fired at incredible speeds right into strangers’ farts.

“At that velocity, if the person in front of you drops one it comes out pretty much inside your nose. They are letting off inside your face.”

Professor Brubaker said the problem was likely to be exacerbated by fast food consumed at the Hyperloop station.

He said: “When you’re travelling, you never manage to get breakfast at home so you would probably grab a bacon and egg McMuffin. That rubbery disc of egg is the archetypal fart catalyst.

“Now imagine hundreds of thousands of commuters, full of processed dairy product and nervous at the prospect of becoming human bullets. It’s the perfect fart storm.

“For 21st century transport, you really need a jetpack. Then you can let rip as you please because you’re in the sky, also any fart sounds will be masked by the jets.”