Cameron offers military aid to Spain

DAVID Cameron has pledged military support to help Spain invade Gibraltar.

The Prime Minister has offered helicopters, landing craft and a division of Royal Marines to help spark a conflict a bit like the Falklands War.

Cameron said: “It is vital that Spain regains its national honour by invading Gibraltar, proving that they’re not a bunch of cowardly paella-munching bastards, which is what everyone is saying.

“Given the many glaring weaknesses in our defences, I cannot think why Spain would not give it a go. Unless, as it has been suggested, Spain is gay.

“Naturally the last thing we want is for ‘Operation Falklands 2’ to turn into a re-run of the Falklands, but if a war happens to distract everyone from the economy and makes me look like an iconic leader, so be it.

“And if they make a film about it afterwards with me played by Pierce Brosnan or a slimmed-down Sean Bean, well that is something I will just have to live with.”

An aircraft carrier full of TV journalists in flak jackets has been put on standby, with emergency supplies of Union Jack bunting being flown in from China.

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “Say what you like about Mrs T, the Falklands were great for national pride and gritty post-watershed TV drama.

“Plus there was a big party afterwards with sausage rolls.”

A UN spokesman said: “Christ, not the Brits and their bloody islands again.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you return your sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, you will mostly be eating curry and doing pills in South America. It’s surreal, like something from Salvador Dhal E.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not watch an American ‘bromance’ film where the lead male character is a raucous free spirit until some woman tries to make him settle down, they both become unhappy and she finally allows him to be a toned-down version of himself? I’m sure there must be a film like that.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think Limahl is a French shopping precinct, actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve been arguing about politics on the internet a lot recently. Why not do something slightly more dignified, like fighting in a public lavatory over a floating dog end.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If I was warm, I think the first thing I’d take off would be my beret. She sounds like a wrong ‘un to me, Prince.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve spent years studying the least deadly of the martial arts – tofu.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve always been proud of the fact that no matter what, you’re prepared to stand by your principles. It’s just a shame they’re so utterly ludicrous.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Time to kick the exercise regime into high gear. So sit up in bed when you eat your multipack of Quavers.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Tsk, you can never find a pen when you need one, can you? You’ll just have to find something else to masturbate with.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your heart sinks when you see the policeman walking up your garden path. Because you’re married to him and he’s a dick.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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