GOD has updated the ‘near death experience’ for the first time since the 70s.
The deity has retired the tunnel-style visuals, dry ice and unflattering ‘curtain’ robes that the deceased’s ancestors were forced to wear.
God said: “A few people had complained about the robes saying they were a bit ’70s TV movie’. Personally I like robes, I think they’re a design classic, but sometimes you must submit to popular taste.
“In the new near death experience, instead of coming up a tunnel you just flash straight into a minimalist warehouse space with a sexy girl DJ and buff angels offering fresh organic grapes.
“Then your dead relatives appear in 80s Diadora tracksuits, like something in a Daft Punk video.
“They’re going to act normal and not be all like ‘we love you’, which is frankly off-putting. I’ve told everyone to keep the chat light.”
Account manager Julian Cook took on the project after his own disappointing near death experience: At first I saw pure white light which was absolutely spot on from a design perspective.
Then the most ghastly vision of an English country cottage appeared, like a bloody Hallmark card without even the ironic urban sampling ethos that makes Cath Kidston such a powerful high-street brand.
Unfortunately the world beyond is currently dominated by pre-war old folk who like a nice watercolour of a stone bridge, commemorative plates of Royal occasions and doilies under everything.
“But this re-imagining is pretty awesome. You’re really going to want to die.”