If you're not buying a house stop looking in our windows, say estate agents

ESTATE agents have warned couples against looking at the houses advertised in their windows just for something to do.

Property vendor Stephen Malley said: “If you’re not buying a house, move along.

“Stop pointing at the pictures of houses we have for sale and making wistful comments about how you wish you could afford a garden like that.

“We are sick and tired of you people staring in at us like dogs outside a butcher’s shop. Do you think we’ll take pity and give you a free house?

“Take your hopes and dreams and begone with you.”

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Duncan Smith hails wheelchair thieves

IAIN Duncan Smith has described stealing a wheelchair as an act of ‘tough love’.

As a French amputee swimmer had his chair stolen, the work and pensions secretary called for a nationwide programme of wheelchair theft which would send a ‘clear message’ to Britain’s disabled people.

He added: “They don’t get out of them very often and for very long, so you’ll need to be quick.

“Ideally you want to be able to chuck it into the back of a van. And then it’s off to the nearest disused quarry.

“I’m going to steal one right now.”