Why all Londoners should walk 20 miles to work, by a bloke in Lincoln

By Norman Steele

PHOTOS of Londoners cramming onto tube trains are sickening me, a man who lives and works in a small cathedral city three hours’ drive away. 

Can these idiots not see the danger they pose? Not just to themselves, but to the innocent residents of Lincoln and the rest of the country, who haven’t been so foolish as to have tube trains? 

Yes, we have buses but they’re practically empty these days and a joy to ride. Not like these London buses which are coronavirus incubators on wheels. Why won’t they think? 

So I regret there is no alternative but for all public transport in London to be closed down and for these lazy six-figure so-called sophisticates to walk to work instead like normal people do. 

I hear your complaints that you live 11 miles away from your workplace, and I disregard them. Why, from Lincoln that’s practically in Torksey. You’ve just lived too far away from work. That’s ridiculous if you don’t have a car. 

There are thousands of flats in London, even right in the centre. There must have been one within a mile of your office. Therefore you’ve only got yourselves to blame. 

It is not only for myself, and Lincoln, that I say this. It is for all England’s towns: for Worcester, for Rawtenstall, for Horsham, for Carlisle and for Chard. For us, you must abandon your fancy notions of public transport and walk. 

20 miles there and 20 miles back. Every day. Then perhaps you won’t laugh at us and mock our accents.

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Nation trying to work out whether clapping the NHS makes them a wanker or not

BRITONS are wondering if applauding the NHS is a genuinely good thing or if they are just pathetically following the herd.

With more clapping and pot-banging due again tonight, many people are confused as to whether it is a genuine morale boost or a token gesture few NHS workers will ever hear. 

Tom Logan said: “I really do respect and support our NHS staff, but I’m starting to wonder if me banging a colander with a spoon is really helping that much.

“Maybe we should be doing something tangible like giving them more money. Also it seems to be turning into a weird three-minute street party with car horns and fireworks.

“One guy went a bit over the top by shouting down a megaphone and they’ve been singing 80s anthems from driveways. Somehow ‘We Will Rock You’ doesn’t seem quite appropriate.”   

However neighbour Emma Bradford disagreed: “It’s people like us who are keeping the NHS going. The louder we shout, the harder they work.

“It’s really bringing people together. Apart from the family down our street who just clapped with their hands. Ungrateful scum.”