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Frontline workers overjoyed as golf resumes

ESSENTIAL workers have expressed happiness and relief that golf courses are open again.

Nurses, delivery drivers and postal workers are overjoyed that other key members of society such as retired management consultants can get back on the fairway.

London-based nurse Donna Sheridan said: “As we struggle without adequate PPE it’s a real boost to our morale that retired small business owners and professional footballers can play a few holes.

“My joy was only redoubled when I learned that lifting restrictions might mean the grouse shooting season goes ahead. You should have heard the cheering in our hospital canteen.

“It’s good news like this that keeps us going through our 14-hour shifts. We’re just keeping our fingers crossed for the return of show jumping.”

Retired accountant and Tory councillor Norman Steele said: “I was able to play my first round in weeks yesterday. I’ve enjoyed the novelty of clapping for our lovely nurses but it’s time life returned to normal.

“I trust we can get back to discussing privatising the NHS and getting foreign workers deported. Our country, unlike my glorious local golf course, is full.”

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The middle class family's guide to why the crisis is worse for them

ARE you a self-obsessed middle class family? Here’s how to let everyone know that the coronavirus crisis has been worse for you than anyone else.

Your garden isn’t nice enough

Spending so much time in your massive garden has exposed its many flaws. There’s a bit that’s completely overgrown and the patio needs a heater. Tell people about this at length – you’re too self-absorbed to realise they are secretly thinking ‘tossers’.

Dinner parties are off

You can’t try that Yotam Ottolenghi recipe and, more importantly, get shitfaced in a socially acceptable way. You could try a Zoom dinner party, but everyone will just be showing off about their own food. The government should provide specially-adapted hazmat suits that allow dinner party guests to eat and drink safely. Say this as a serious suggestion.

Josh and Emily may not get into Oxford

Lockdown means your children probably won’t get the A-level grades needed for their Oxford college of choice. Their lives are effectively over and the kindest thing you could do is shoot them like knackered old horses.

Your partner is becoming unbearable in lockdown

Maybe Stephen has shown a dark side to his personality with his mild irritation about frustrating Zoom meetings. Or Annabelle just sits in her pyjamas watching Doctors all day. You definitely will need counselling after this because your relationship is in Hell. 

You are trapped in a cultural wasteland

Lockdown has ended improving activities like visits to museums, and also your occasional trips to the theatre, at which you get surprisingly pissed so it’s basically going to the pub but with a bit of Pinter. Inform bored friends that BBC4 has been ‘a lifesaver’. 

How are your children going to learn to ski?

With foreign holidays suspended, how will your kids get in enough hours to become proficient skiers? The UK death toll is currently 33,000 and counting, but this pales into insignificance compared to your piste-based woes.

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