THE nicest person you know would punch you hard right in the face for a cold pint in a pub right now, it has been confirmed.
After conversations with thousands of wonderful, kind-hearted people, experts have found that every single one of them would chin you without a moment’s hesitation to get to a beer.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies explained: “Lockdown has functioned as a fascinating sociological experiment.
“We’ve seen such a tremendous outpouring of community spirit and yet our research shows that, without exception, whether your local food bank volunteer or your nan, would break your nose for an ice-cold pint in a beer garden.
“And not even good beers. We’ve seen graphically violent thoughts at the prospect of even a Carling.”
31-year-old Tom Logan confirmed: “I’ve spent lockdown making life better for those in need, mainly picking up shopping for old folk.
“They’re wonderful, sweet people. But I would push every single one of them into the sea without a second’s regret for a proper Guinness.”