Nicest person you know would punch you square in the face for a cold pint right now

THE nicest person you know would punch you hard right in the face for a cold pint in a pub right now, it has been confirmed.

After conversations with thousands of wonderful, kind-hearted people, experts have found that every single one of them would chin you without a moment’s hesitation to get to a beer.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies explained: “Lockdown has functioned as a fascinating sociological experiment.

“We’ve seen such a tremendous outpouring of community spirit and yet our research shows that, without exception, whether your local food bank volunteer or your nan, would break your nose for an ice-cold pint in a beer garden.

“And not even good beers. We’ve seen graphically violent thoughts at the prospect of even a Carling.”

31-year-old Tom Logan confirmed: “I’ve spent lockdown making life better for those in need, mainly picking up shopping for old folk.

“They’re wonderful, sweet people. But I would push every single one of them into the sea without a second’s regret for a proper Guinness.”

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Couple dating virtually can't keep their hands off themselves

A NEW couple who met online during lockdown are at themselves like rabbits.

Donna Sheridan and Joseph Turner met through Tinder, quickly connected at a deep emotional level over their semi-nude selfies, began dating and very swiftly allowed the relationship to become auto-physical.

Sheridan said: “From our first video call sparks were flying. And when he asked me to flash my tits, well, I just couldn’t say no.

“One thing led to another and it’s been a pretty intense few weeks. I normally take things slow with someone new, but I couldn’t hold myself back from myself this time. I hope he doesn’t think I’m easy.

“We’re at it constantly. Five minutes of video chat and my hands are running over my body, knowing exactly what to do. I don’t think I’ve ever been so satisfied.

“We’ve even talked about opening a third window in the relationship and involving another woman via Zoom, but why ruin it when we’re so happy?”

Turner agreed: “Sometimes I even forget she’s there, it’s like we’re one. Or maybe I’m just having a wank. I’ll have to see how things pan out after lockdown.”