Ryanair to run just enough flights to f**k you over

RYANAIR has confirmed it will schedule just enough flights to ensure absolutely nobody who has booked this summer will get a refund. 

The low-budget rip-off airline has announced that it will be running flights to major holiday destinations so if you are unable to take them it is your fault and they keep all the money.

A spokesman said: “Britain deserves a relaxing break in the sunshine. So, if your idea of relaxation is 14 days’ quarantine in Spain followed by a further 14 days’ quarantine back home, we’re here for you.

“We can promise much-reduced queues at the airport and once you arrive you’ll have nothing to do but read your book, stare at the walls of your cell and take regular coronavirus tests.

“Of course, if you don’t want to fly for whatever reason then you’re welcome to reschedule any time within the next three months. We’re not unreasonable. All flights have trebled in price.”

Julian Cook said: “Ryanair, Wetherspoons, Sports Direct… why is it the worst thieving bastards who are so keen to get going again?”

“Them and the Tories, obviously.”

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How to recreate the summer holiday you won't be going on in your own home

IS your week in Menorca knocking back cocktails and snoozing on a sun-lounger then spending hungover evenings shivering with sun-stroke cancelled? Do it at home: 

Get dangerously sunburned

It’s not a holiday if you’re not turning a worrying shade of pink and having your skin slough off in chunks. Hard to achieve in the British climate so liberally apply Crisp ‘n Dry before lying down for maximum burn.

Have a holiday romance

A big ask when you can’t go near anyone outside your own household and most people you live with are family or the twat you’re shacked up with. Perhaps develop an unrequited yearning for the postman, and greet him in a swimming costume and shades.

Get munted at a shit club

Recreate a weird hotel club in your living room by playing Europop at a deafening volume, drinking two litres of a local white spirit and losing your jacket. Then run outside and jump naked into a paddling pool before chucking youself out.

Try exotic cuisine

You’ll have to invent the new cuisine using what you have in your kitchen, but you should be able to cobble together unlikely ingredients into a meal that you can take one bite of, call ‘foreign muck’ and then make yourself chips instead.

Drink all day every day

The number one rule of being on holiday is to drink solidly from the moment you wake up at 2pm until you pass out by the pool at 3am, as the Germans arrive. Be sure also to piss off your neighbours by only communicating through a mixture of drunk shouting, a smattering of foreign words and a lot of gesticulation.