Saturday, 30th May 2020

Britain now a nation of snitches

THE UK’s favourite leisure activity is now snitching on other Britons for violating the laws of lockdown in some way. 

Unable to watch football, eat out or go to the cinema, entertainment-hungry citizens are turning to grassing, dobbing in and otherwise f**king over anyone they can pin an infraction on.

Helen Archer said: “I used to do Zumba but now I love calling the police on groups of three or more. It’s a thrill, it’s free and you can do it from your front room.

“I used to be one of those people who said they’d never rat but now I’ve grassed up the neighbours on both sides, the postman, my daughter and I’m thinking about grassing up myself.

“This week’s been a learning curve, but now we can drive I’m heading up to the Peak District to stitch up anyone I see, for a lovely change of scene.”

She added: “Look at that. There’s no way they all live in the same house. Pass me the phone.”

Long-time snitch Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve been squealing to the cops about minor stuff for years. I just hope us original rats get some recognition now everybody’s on the bandwagon.”