Britain now a nation of snitches

THE UK’s favourite leisure activity is now snitching on other Britons for violating the laws of lockdown in some way. 

Unable to watch football, eat out or go to the cinema, entertainment-hungry citizens are turning to grassing, dobbing in and otherwise f**king over anyone they can pin an infraction on.

Helen Archer said: “I used to do Zumba but now I love calling the police on groups of three or more. It’s a thrill, it’s free and you can do it from your front room.

“I used to be one of those people who said they’d never rat but now I’ve grassed up the neighbours on both sides, the postman, my daughter and I’m thinking about grassing up myself.

“This week’s been a learning curve, but now we can drive I’m heading up to the Peak District to stitch up anyone I see, for a lovely change of scene.”

She added: “Look at that. There’s no way they all live in the same house. Pass me the phone.”

Long-time snitch Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve been squealing to the cops about minor stuff for years. I just hope us original rats get some recognition now everybody’s on the bandwagon.”

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How to stay safe on public transport, by a Tory who has never been on a bus

HAVE you made such poor life choices that you have to use public transport? Junior minister and multi-millionaire Denys Finch Hatton has some common-sense advice. 

Travel in the first class section of the bus

It may cost a little extra but first class is always that bit less busy, helping you keep your distance from other people. And you’ll be more productive in work after a complimentary coffee, croissant and copy of the Daily Telegraph. Too expensive? There’s always business class.

Politely shun other passengers

‘Thanks but no thanks’ should be your standby should anyone attempt to sit next to you or converse. It may be rude but worry not, you’re not missing any networking opportunities because your fellow passengers are tracksuited simians with nightmarish dentistry.

Walk the last mile of your journey

There really is no excuse for not doing this. Instruct the train driver to drop you off a mile from the station and have a healthy tramp down the tracks taking in the fresh air. If you’re a tad late into work and it is commented upon, simply fire whoever said it.

Use contactless payment

Follow Her Majesty’s example and go cash-free. Let your valet or intern hand the money to the conductor instead. Watch him like a hawk, though. The lower classes are genetically prone to thievery.

Refrain from eating on the tube

Tempting as it may be to visit the dining car of a tube train, it increases the risk of infection. Yes, we all like a spot of Orient Express-style luxury but this is a national emergency, and their lobster may be cooked from frozen, not live.

Buy your own bus

A modern London bus can be picked up for as little as £300,000, and since you’re using it for work written off against tax. You’re now free to travel in complete isolation, or why not invite a few chums and make every journey into Westminster a jolly Cliff Richard adventure?