Tuesday, 7th July 2020

Two-mile queue to get pissed on park bench

PEOPLE are queuing for miles for the thrill of getting wasted on a park bench, it has emerged.

The bench, at East Park in Hull, has been declared open for business by the government and now has a two-mile queue of eager locals waiting for their chance to slump on it while getting rat-arsed.

Joe Turner, who has been in line for six hours with three litres of white cider and a bottle of Glens vodka, said: “After seven weeks getting bladdered on my sofa, a piss-up in the park isn’t just what I need. It’s what the nation needs.

“I’ll be on my own on the bench, the next occupant will disinfect it, everyone’s queuing two metres apart, it’s perfectly safe.

“My hour-long slot will be spent swigging cider, shouting at pigeons and staring despairingly at the floor trying to sober up enough for the next swig. It’ll be brilliant but over too soon.

“Problem is I really need a slash now and these fucking wasps are at my beer again.  Stay two metres away from me, you buzzy little bastard!

“Bollocks to this. I’m heading back to the sofa.”