Two-mile queue to get pissed on park bench

PEOPLE are queuing for miles for the thrill of getting wasted on a park bench, it has emerged.

The bench, at East Park in Hull, has been declared open for business by the government and now has a two-mile queue of eager locals waiting for their chance to slump on it while getting rat-arsed.

Joe Turner, who has been in line for six hours with three litres of white cider and a bottle of Glens vodka, said: “After seven weeks getting bladdered on my sofa, a piss-up in the park isn’t just what I need. It’s what the nation needs.

“I’ll be on my own on the bench, the next occupant will disinfect it, everyone’s queuing two metres apart, it’s perfectly safe.

“My hour-long slot will be spent swigging cider, shouting at pigeons and staring despairingly at the floor trying to sober up enough for the next swig. It’ll be brilliant but over too soon.

“Problem is I really need a slash now and these fucking wasps are at my beer again.  Stay two metres away from me, you buzzy little bastard!

“Bollocks to this. I’m heading back to the sofa.”

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Can my cleaner visit my mum? Matt Hancock answers your hypothetical questions

by Matt Hancock, health secretary

THE relaxation of lockdown has many Britons asking questions just to be argumentative and cause trouble. I’ll grudgingly answer a few here: 

Why is it safe for a cleaner to come to my house but not a relative? 

Cleaners, like anyone doing honest paid work, emit tiny anti-viral ‘grafter’ particles which repel the coronavirus completely. This is why all workplaces are safe except middle-class ones.

What if my cleaner uses public transport? 

While on public transport the cleaner is not working so is technically an idle layabout and vulnerable to the coronavirus. If your cleaner is not willing to walk between jobs, you may dock their pay.

Could I employ a relative as a cleaner? 

Yes, but you’ll have to work them damned hard. If they’re not leaving your house with bloodied knuckles from scrubbing you’re violating lockdown and will be fined.

Can I meet my mum in the morning and my dad in the afternoon? 

As long as both meetings with adults sharing the same household are kept entirely separate, there is no risk. Groups of three or more will attract the coronavirus’s attention in case you are plotting against it.

Why is it safer to meet my mother in a public place full of strangers than her garden? 

As when meeting someone from Tinder, you should meet your mother in public because she may have begun to harbour homicidal urges towards you over the last seven weeks. Her garden may be full of deadly traps like in the Saw series of films.

Can I drive to the Lake District and meet my mum there? 

Yes – and ignore what the Cumbrians say, they’re nothing but farmers – but you must stay on separate peaks. For example if she is on Haystacks, you must remain on Fleetwith Pike.

Are you just making this shit up as you go along? 

Absolutely not. Though that answer might change in the next 24 hours, depending on scientific advice.