America Divided Over Waterboarding Of Children

THE arrest of a US soldier accused of sticking his daughter's head in a sink has sparked a national debate over when it is acceptable to water-board a child.

Across America liberals and conservatives have clashed after army Sergeant Joshua Tabor was charged with using CIA-style interrogation methods to extract an apology from his wayward four year-old.

Fox News political commentator, Nathan Muir, said: "As usual the east coast liberals are defining this incident in terms of 'civil rights' and 'due process'.

"But surely we must not rush to judgement until we know the full facts. Two vital questions remain – has this child been brainwashed by Osama Bin Laden, or is she in fact gathering intelligence for Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez?

"If and when she is confirmed as an Al Qaeda sleeper cell or a Venezuelan spy, will the liberal intelligentsia finally admit they were wrong? Unlike our little Chavez-loving, Islamo-fascist friend, I will not be holding my breath."

Former vice-president, Dick Cheney, added: "May I remind America that we are at war and war is  brutal, it is ugly and it is wet. Who among us would not be willing to subject one four year-old girl to extraordinary rendition in order to save the lives of millions of other four year-old girls?

"It is both sad and troubling that our current president and his friends in the United Nations seem to determined to protect the rights of four year-old children regardless of their intentions towards this country."

Meanwhile, many ordinary citizens were horrified to discover that the child had been punished because of a spelling test.

Wayne Hayes, from Bellwood, Arkansas, said: "If ah found out one of ma little-uns had been learnin' how to spell any word other than 'Jesus' ah'd put a bag on his head, make him stand on a chair and attach electric wires to his doo-hickey."

Mr Hayes added: "That little girl musta done somethin' real bad otherwise why would her daddy think she was a demon? 'There's no water-torture without fire'. Some Chinese fella said that."


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Yes, Ethel Austin Was Still Going, Say Administrators

ADMINISTRATORS were last night called in to retail chain Ethel Austin, as thousands insisted it definitely went out of business no later than 1961.

Industry experts continue to debate what Ethel Austin actually did, with some saying it was the Victorian version of Primark for toddlers while others claim it never existed at all and was merely a plot device in early episodes of Coronation Street.

But recently uncovered parish records from 1648 seemed to settle the argument, with a brief entry stating: 'Mistress Ethelle Austyn hath opened a stalle nere the riverside for thee sale of divers and chepey shyte'.

Crypto-retailologist Charlie Reeves said: "We have some blurry photos from 1955 but we can't make out what's in the window. It's either shoes or pork. Or possibly some form of shoe pork.

"Meanwhile an excavation on a possible Ethel Austin site in Carlisle has uncovered an awful lot of what seem to be sacrificial pasties."

Eighty-seven year-old Margaret Gerving, believed to be Ethel Austin's last surviving customer, said: "Mam and me went to a branch in Crewe. It were very dark and I remember a fierce-looking woman tellin' me not to touch anythin'. Mam left the shop with a box wrapped in brown paper and never said a word. I asked her about it when I turned 21 and she went drip-white and slapped me face. She died not long after."

Mrs Gerving added: "But I do remember how every Sunday evening me dad would clean his brogues with a nice bit o' shoe pork.

"'It's Austin's shoe pork' he'd say and we'd all stare at him like he were Douglas Fairbanks."