America 'fifteenth, maybe twentieth best country in the world', says Obama

PRESIDENT Barack Obama has described America as being easily one of the world’s top twenty countries.

Addressing an audience of 10,000 in Houston, Texas in a warm-up to his speech at the Democratic National Convention, Obama cut a relaxed figure as he warmed to his theme of American unexceptionalism.

President Obama said, “My fellow Americans, we stand on the threshold of great challenges, great opportunities and new horizons. I can honestly say that there is no people on earth better equipped to rise to those challenges than the Germans.

“Unfortunately, we are not German. Nor are we Chinese, with their impressive work ethic and bank balance.

“Once we had the best heavyweight champions – now we are having our behinds kicked by the Ukrainians. Where once we had the world’s finest TV detective series, now it is the Danish who hold sway.

“As a nation, I believe we are mature and humble enough to acknowledge that we are hamstrung by our ignorance, our bigotry, our denial of reality – eight out of ten Americans believe in angels.

“To those of you who do, let me reach out to you tonight, take off your shoes and slap you about the jowls with them. You are premium grade morons.”

Ignoring the open mouths of his advisers and the fixed, glowering stare of the First Lady, Obama spoke movingly about how his travels to foreign climes had persuaded him that America was way too far up its own ass.

He said: “No disrespect to you ladies tonight but I’d rank you about neck and neck with the Albanians. Those of you who have necks.

“Time and again as I travel the length and breadth of this nation I am struck by the thought – my God, we are obese. When I say “we”, of course, I don’t mean me, I mean most of you people.

“You know where else beats us hands down? Belgium. Belgium’s good. Find out.  Get a passport – they’re like little books with hardly any pages in them.”



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Nobody comes to see Hodgson any more

ENGLAND players are making increasingly-implausible excuses for not seeing Roy Hodgson at his FA retirement bungalow.

Adam Johnson was the latest player to confirm he wouldn’t be stopping by to visit, saying he’s been snowed under with work recently but will definitely be around before Christmas.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “The only one who always turns up is Michael Owen, even though he’s never invited, but Roy won’t give him the time of day because he’s convinced Michael’s stealing money out of his dresser.”

The lonely England manager recently organised a trip to Moldova as a chance to get out of the house and see some old faces.

However there has been little enthusiasm from the players he believed were his friends, despite Hodgson’s letters clearly stating they could spend most of the trip having fun with their mates if they just gave him a couple of hours.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Roy sent out a load of invites to players. They always say they’ll be there but when it comes to match-time the poor old chap will be sat on the bench with a blanket over his knees with only John Terry and a box of Newberry Fruits for company.

“They’ll be able to share their views on the foreign food over in Moldova but every time a steward walks past he’ll be craning his neck to see if Wayne Rooney has managed to make it after all.”

Other players to send Hodgson a petrol station greeting card with an awkwardly-written message wishing him luck are Andy Carroll, who is attending a friend’s wedding, and Ashley Cole, whose car is being serviced.