EVERYONE drinking at least three pints of beer at lunchtime will keep Britain’s economy on track, it has been claimed.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Throughout the 80s and early 90s, office workers would flee the office like rats out of a trap at half twelve – twelve on a Friday – heading straight for the pub.
“However bosses fell under the influence of soulless foreign ‘business experts’, particularly Americans, who believed that drinking several pints of beer in the middle of the day could negatively effect productivity.
“But it’s only after the shift away from midday alcohol binges towards eating a sad little sandwich at one’s computer that everything went to shit.”
Professor Brubaker believes a mandatory minimum lunchtime beer consumption of three pints could restore Britain’s economic vigour.
He said: “Returning from the pub to the office you feel sleepy, and entering a waking-dream state which is when you have your cleverest thoughts. I call it the ‘creative stupor’.”
Sales manager Tom Logan said: “It does seem that eradicating all the fun from life in a grim quest for efficiency hasn’t actually worked.
“I generally do less work when drunk. But perhaps I’m so incompetent that this is a good thing?”