Argentina thinks it's all that

ARGENTINA was last night strutting around like it owns the place.

Following the election of Francis the First, President Cristina Kirchner telephoned prime minister David Cameron and shouted “Lionel Messi and a Pope! Eat it!”

When Mr Cameron tried to affirm the Falkands right to self determination, Mrs Kirchner talked over him saying: “What have you got? Frank Lampard and an old woman with a dodgy stomach.”

As Mr Cameron put the phone down he could hear Mrs Kirchner shouting ‘Ar-gen-tina! Ar-gen-tina!’ and then blowing one of those big plastic trumpets.

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Pot Noodle nostalgia misplaced

THE return of Pot Noodle manufacturing to the UK has reminded the public they are shit.

Support for Golden Wonder’s decision to make Pot Noodles in the UK instead of China was quickly replaced by indifference once everyone thought about them.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I had a Pot Noodle the other day. Unfortunately no amount of childhood nostalgia could stop me tasting it.

“Golden Wonder must have been amazed when they realised people would pay money for something that resembles edible rubber bands in hot water with a ‘vegetable’ stock cube crumbled in.

“Sorry, that’s unfair. You also get some bits of soya that are like polystyrene but without the richness of flavour. And don’t forget the irresistible freeze-dried peas.”

Food historian Donna Sheridan said: “Pot Noodle is not something any sane person would want to eat, so the only explanation must be the always enriching combination of ruthless marketing and 1970s nostalgia.

“Either that or people are just beasts who’ll eat anything as long as it doesn’t actually say ‘faeces’ on the packet.”

A spokesman for Golden Wonder said: “Pot Noodle remains one of Britain’s most popular snacks, although even we are puzzled as to how anyone can even think about the Beef & Tomato flavour without retching until they want to die.

“But do look out for exciting new flavours including Tripe & Vinegar, Savoury Chemical, and Arse in a Bucket.”