Don’t take parenting tips from Paltrow

Dear Holly,

My mother-in-law keeps criticising my parenting techniques and says I’m a bad mother. I’m thinking of getting my oldest son to go round and smash her windows in but I can’t get him to stop playing Call of Duty for long enough. How can I show her that mum knows best?
Dear Ingrid,

hollybodyJust don’t take any parenting tips from Gwyneth Paltrow. Her children are called Turnip and Gomorrah, or something like that, and she’s got them on a strict microscopic diet, which basically means they’re only allowed to eat bulgar wheat and amoeba and other stuff that isn’t visible to the human eye. Gwyneth insists that this approach stops them suffering from food allergies and wheat intolerance, which is probably true, but they’ll only end up suffering in other ways, like when they get their heads flushed down the toilet by school bullies for being weirdo hippy freaks. Picture a life without fun size Mars Bars, and you’re faced with a black, black existence. No wonder Chris Martin from Coldplay is on suicide watch.

Hope that helps!