Aw, come on, what the f**k now? A guide to what's next for the US

THE US election is still going on, long after we hoped to wake up with the whole awful pain in the arse over with. What happens now? 

Some crappy states slowly count votes

A bunch of states that you would never consider going on holiday to like Wisconsin, North Carolina and Pennsylvania slowly count votes for three days while pretending they’re not loving the attention. The BBC interviews men who own trucks.

You’ll learn a lot of shit about different votes

Those of us who remember the hanging chads of 2000 will bow our weary heads as the media earnestly explains what mail-in absentee drive-thru postal votes are and how they could lean strongly red or blue. Everything will hinge on a small area of Dogshit County, Nevada with a voting method based on hunting possums.

Trump will reach new peaks of apeshit mental

Over the next four days Trump will declare himself the winner to every world media organisation, every world leader and every mirror in the f**king White House. Joe Biden will announce a schedule of restorative naps.

No-one will shut up about it

There’s a special kind of situation where absolutely nothing’s happening and everyone goes on about it all the bloody time, like last autumn and Brexit. Being in lockdown really, really won’t help. You’ll be encouraging online mobs against your own Auntie by Friday.

It will remain hanging over you like an awful cloud

The constant dread and expectation of terrible news – a feeling so 2020 they should make scented candles of it – will continue to infiltrate everything. Drink?

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Looks like I've a substantial chance of getting away with my bullshit, says cheerful Johnson

BORIS Johnson has a spring in his step this morning after seeing US voters vote for a lying bastard with nonsense hair in massive numbers. 

The prime minister has observed the election results, realised that there is literally no upper level of f**king-up that will put off certain voters, and begun to make plans for the next four years.

He said: “Whatever the outcome, this is a fantastic result for kleptomaniac demogogues who break all their promises and get away with it.

“And this in the middle of a pandemic. I’ll be free, clear and openly fathering bastard children by 2024, and the electorate will be with me.

“An obvious decline in the quality of living? Economic mismanagement coupled with setting the nation at one another’s throats? A cabinet of useful idiots? These aren’t problems. These are winning policies.

“Frankly the pressure’s off. It’s no-deal Brexit and barely even trying to battle Covid from now on. Why bother? Ol’ Trumpy’s killed tons more than me and he’s still in the running.”

He added: “If Starmer gives me shit at PMQs later I’m going to tell him to go f**k himself. Why not?”